Fully Realizing Human Potential

I have lately wondered more and more: is there more to life than this? Does it get better?

How can I raise the bar and push myself to reach a higher level? How can I become a more fully realized human being?

So this questioning has lead me to  higher consciousness and how we as a society and humanity can reach for it together.

We are told more and more often lately that we need to cut back and to start living to survive. With nearly 1 in 5 people on struggling to meet basic needs in America, 1 in 7 on food stamps, and more and more people slipping below the poverty line every day, people are working hard just to stay afloat.

For example look here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/28/afford-food-hunger_n_1308020.html

Our society is susceptible to a cynical and negative attitude. As someone who believes in hope and resiliency, I reject the tendency to close ourselves off and shut ourselves down from connecting more with ourselves or others. Or to search for other possibilities or ways of being. We have to start to think beyond meeting just our basic needs.

There is a concept known as Maslow's Hierachy of Needs which I feel describes this situation perfectly. Maslow, a psychologist, described this in the form of a pyramid with lower level basic needs at the bottom (food, clothing, shelter) and self-actualization at the top.

Maslow described self-actualization as "the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming." Basically to become more of ourselves and what we are truly meant to be given the conditions necessary to get there.

Right now many of us have less and less of what we need to even fulfill Maslow's basic levels of human functioning and survival. Maslow says until we all have every need met, we cannot start looking at how to self-actualize. Yet I think we need to start at least thinking about it, now, and working towards consciously making it a reality in our everyday lives.

More about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

Maslow describes the hierarchy as the following:

"Maslow's hierarchy of needs begins with the most basic necessities deemed 'the physiological needs' in which the individual will seek out items like food and water, and must be able to perform basic functions such as breathing and sleeping. Once these needs have been met, a person can move on to fulfilling 'the safety needs,' where they will attempt to obtain a sense of security, physical comforts and shelter, employment, and property. The next level is 'the belongingness and love needs,' where people will strive for social acceptance, affiliations, a sense of belongingness and being welcome, sexual intimacy, and perhaps a family. Next are 'the esteem needs,' where the individual will desire a sense of competence, recognition of achievement by peers, and respect from others." (Wiki).

The last step is self-actualization.

Here is more info about it:

self-actualization:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-actualization

how to self-actualize:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvySe_GFwE4

characteristics of self-actualization:

http://www.tribalmessenger.org/headlines/maslow-self-actualized-traits.htm

longer video about maslow's hierachy of needs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yM8SwZkvCIY

As a person I have pretty much grown in my thinking far beyond the lower levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I am interested in the following:

liberation, transformation, transcending our former selves, raising-consciousness, living with intent, meaningful life and work, ability to fully be realized, reaching ones potential, purusing passion, agency, fully realizing compassion, genuine, real, and authentic connection with self and others (emotional intimacy), being fully present, active liberty, personal and self growth, higher consciousness, enlightenment, interconnectedness, social relationship focus, humanism, human expression, creativity, caring for one another, enhancing quality of life, and living a purposeful life.

I find that I am part of these movements:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_development

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_Potential_Movement

To me we need to first admit that we need and deserve far more beyond the basics of life. We also need more than material things, wealth, power, privilege, control, dominance, and even more than basic self-esteem or accomplishments such as an advanced degree or career, relationship, or family.
                                                      
                                           Where We Have Gone Wrong

Right now we are consumed with many unconscious patterns driving us in destructive ways. Many of us operate on internalized toxic shame, control, dominance, power over others, defenses, and negative coping skills we use to try and feed us (substances, food, sex, etc.) instead of operating in ways that connect us to each other as human beings. This may be in part be because we do not get our meets met fully and so we maladapt. A lot of the time it is also because of trauma in early childhood-- abuse we encounter.

                                               Reconnecting with Human Needs

In order to heal we need to reconnect with what it is we truly need-- one of those main things being other people.

Human needs thrive on social connection. We need to attune to each other. This includes empathy, trust, effective and healthy authentic communication, and compassion.

For more on this I recommend these videos featuring Dr. Brene Brown, University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, and lead researcher in the field of shame studies:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjFfKkjKdUU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0

                                                What Marx Said
Something else that would help in our understanding is the concept of alienation. The sociologist, Karl Marx long ago spoke of how we are alienated from each other. Unfortunately this still rings true today. We are alienated from our work, from ourselves, and each other. He spoke to something called "species being" which Marx felt was as close to human nature as we have. He felt that in our socio-cultural interactions with one another we could create authentic human bonds and growth. However, he saw that private profit, commodification, and objectification got in the way.

This is what Marx felt causes alienation and thus the loss of species being. Marx felt that "capitalist mode of production renders the product of production alien to the person who has produced it, thus making man alien to himself – and, therefore, to his human essence; that is to say, alien to the universal, collective, character of the human being, to his need for bonding, for creative activity, for knowledge, for self-consciousness and consciousness of his environment, as well as alien from his capacity to project himself into the future." (Species Being, Social Being and Class Consciousness).

More on Marx's theory of human nature, alienation, and commodification:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marx%27s_theory_of_human_nature

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marx%27s_theory_of_alienation

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commodity_fetishism

Social alienation runs deep throughout every facet of our society and who we are as a people and is described in-depth here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_alienation

                     Some of the Main Themes in Social Alienation are:

Powerlessness

"A person suffers from alienation in the form of 'powerlessness' when she is conscious of the gap between what she would like to do and what she feels capable of doing. Powerlessness, therefore, is the perception that the individual does not have the means to achieve his goals." (Wiki)

Meaninglessness

Not fully understanding the events one is engaged in. (wiki)

Normlessness

When there has been such a break down in society that there are no longer social norms regulating individual conduct or the social order is no longer effective as rules for behavior. (wiki)

Political alienation

Estrangement from, and a lack of engagement in, the political system. Workers experience a state of psychological disconnection from a policy. Relationships and connections that once existed, that is 'natural,' desirable, or good, has been lost. (wiki)

Social isolation

The feeling of being segregated from one’s community. With increased isolation and atomization, much of our daily interactions are with those who are strangers to us and with whom we lack any ongoing social relationships. (wiki)

Relationships

Having a lack of relationship/connection with ones parents or family. Not having a strong attachment-- the social and emotional process of bonding between child and caregiver. (wiki)

Self-estrangement

The psychological state of denying one’s own interests – of seeking out extrinsically satisfying, rather than intrinsically satisfying activities. It could be characterized as a feeling of having become a stranger to oneself, or to some parts of oneself, or alternatively as a problem of self-knowledge, or authenticity. (wiki)

One could see how alienation could be a large barrier to us attaining self-actualization seeing as the disconnect it causes us and impacts every facet of society.

Alienation also intersects with isolation. In addition, people isolate based on shame...and participate in negative coping skills in isolation and in shame based ways, such as binge eating alone or using substances alone.

So now that we understand some of the key elements of where we have gone wrong... how do we go right?

                                         How Do We Self-Actualize?

Once again to self-actualize would mean:

Making oneself realized.

Living up to your fullest potential and being the most you you can be.

Embracing yourself totally and completely.

Discovering and loving the real authentic you unconditionally.

Achieving the best of what you can be.

Striving to be self-fulfilled.

To become more of who you truly are.

In order to allow everyone the ability to self-actualize we are going to have to meet everyone's human needs-- basic and advanced.

You may think, but can't people just meet their own needs? Well, if they could don't you think they might have by now? Most people cannot meet all of their needs-- at least not on their own. We are mutually dependent and interdependent on each other. So that means we need to help others to get what they need in order to self-actualize.

This could include economic, political, cultural, and social aspects. Switching over to a democratic socialist system has long been my passion and solution for many of these things.

democratic socialism:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Democratic_socialism

                                      Fundamentally Changing Social Control

While focusing on an economic system is popular, and economic inequality one of the foremost barriers to self-actualization, I stress we must also take into consideration the social aspects, which I feel are often ignored.

When we work to transform society we have to look at how people are socialized from the very beginning of life. One of the main ways people are socialized is through social control.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_control

"The social values that are present in individuals are products of informal social control. It is exercised by a society without explicitly stating these rules and is expressed through customs, norms, and mores. Individuals are socialized whether consciously or subconsciously. During informal sanctions, ridicule or ostracism can cause a straying towards norms. The person internalizes these mores and norms. Traditional society uses mostly informal social control embedded in its customary culture relying on the socialization of its members.

Informal sanctions may include shame, ridicule, sarcasm, criticism and disapproval. In extreme cases sanctions may include social discrimination and exclusion. This implied social control usually has more effect on individuals because they become internalized and thus an aspect of personality. Informal sanctions check 'deviant' behavior." (wiki)

One of the main forms of social control is shame. We have to end the external and internal use of shame as a tool of control. These links describe what we need to dismantle:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame_society

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt_society

                        What It's Going To Take To Get Us Where We Need To Go:

We need to promote pro-social behaviors and to discourage anti-social behaviors.

"Prosocial behavior fosters positive traits that are beneficial for children and society. It may be motivated both by altruism and by self-interest, for reasons of immediate benefit or future reciprocity. " (Wiki)

"Encouraging prosocial behavior may also require decreasing or eliminating undesirable social behaviors." (Wiki)

"Feeling empathy towards the individual needing aid increases the likelihood that the aid will be given. This empathy is called 'empathetic concern' for the other individual, and is characterized by feelings of tenderness, compassion, and sympathy.

Agreeableness is thought to be the personality trait most associated with inherent prosocial motivation. Prosocial thoughts and feelings may be defined as a sense of responsibility for other individuals, and a higher likelihood of experiencing empathy ('other-oriented empathy') both affectively (emotionally) and cognitively. These prosocial thoughts and feelings correlate with dispositional empathy and dispositional agreeableness." (Wiki)

For more about pro-social behavior look here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosocial_behavior

Anti-social behavior on the other hand contrasts by being "behavior that lacks consideration for others and that may cause damage to society, whether intentionally or through negligence, as opposed to pro-social behavior, behavior that helps or benefits society." (Wiki).

It can include aggressive behavior, intimidation, bullying, verbal abuse, manipulation, and committing various crimes.

For more about anti-social behavior look here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-social_behaviour

In addition, we need to seek assertive communication over passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive types of communication. For a further explanation of what these are please look here:

http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/assertiveness.htm

Furthermore it helps to develop healthy boundaries:

"Those with healthy boundaries are firm but flexible. They give support and accept it. They respect their feelings, needs, opinions, and rights, and those of others, but are clear about their separateness. They are responsible for their own happiness and allow others to be responsible for their happiness. They are assertive and respectful of the rights of others to be assertive. They are able to negotiate and compromise, have empathy for others, are able to make mistakes without damaging their self-esteem, and have an internal sense of personal identity. They respect diversity. Those with healthy boundaries are comfortable with themselves, and make others comfortable around them.  They live in houses with fences and gates that  allow access only to those who respect their boundaries." (http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm)

                                            The Fully Functioning Person

Once we could reach a level of being able to achieve self-actualization we would have to push ourselves and our community beyond what we now think is possible. We need to become fully realized and fully functional as human beings.

According to psychologist Carl Rogers a fully functioning person is defined as having:

A growing openness to experience – they move away from defensiveness and have no need for subception (a perceptual defense that involves unconsciously applying strategies to prevent a troubling stimulus from entering consciousness).

An increasingly existential lifestyle – living each moment fully – not distorting the moment to fit personality or self concept but allowing personality and self concept to emanate from the experience. This results in excitement, daring, adaptability, tolerance, spontaneity, and a lack of rigidity and suggests a foundation of trust. "To open one's spirit to what is going on now, and discover in that present process whatever structure it appears to have.

Increasing organismic trust – they trust their own judgment and their ability to choose behavior that is appropriate for each moment. They do not rely on existing codes and social norms but trust that as they are open to experiences they will be able to trust their own sense of right and wrong.

Freedom of choice – not being shackled by the restrictions that influence an incongruent individual, they are able to make a wider range of choices more fluently. They believe that they play a role in determining their own behavior and so feel responsible for their own behavior.

Creativity – it follows that they will feel more free to be creative. They will also be more creative in the way they adapt to their own circumstances without feeling a need to conform.

Reliability and constructiveness – they can be trusted to act constructively. An individual who is open to all their needs will be able to maintain a balance between them. Even aggressive needs will be matched and balanced by intrinsic goodness in congruent individuals.

A rich full life – Rogers describes the life of the fully functioning individual as rich, full and exciting and suggests that they experience joy and pain, love and heartbreak, fear and courage more intensely. (wiki)

Rogers went on to say that the "process of the [consciously creating a] good life is not, he is convinced, a life for the faint-hearted. It involves the stretching and growing of becoming more and more of one's potentialities. It involves the courage to be. It means launching oneself fully into the stream of life. (Wiki)

How We Will Not Get There:

doing nothing

voting only

being cynical

being nihilistic

thinking it doesn't matter what we do

thinking too positively/negatively

going backwards

through force

through control/power/manipulation/coercion

top down/authoritarian

centralized

privatized

profit-based/motivated

focusing on individualism

What I feel We Need:

democratic socialism

radical participatory democracy

horizontal and non-hierarchical power structure

socialist feminist practice

dismantling the binary in all things (including gender) in favor of a more complex, fluid, and flexible conception.

sustainability

find out what truly motivates people and center social and working life around that.

put the means of productive into social and collective hands

break out of norms that are rigid and obsolete

dump externalized and internalized shame

sex positivity

paradigm shift

systematic, structural, and institutional transformation

create new dynamic communities

embrace pluralism

fully educate everyone in the mode of their choosing-- for free!

we can change the way things are through constructing a different reality consciously:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_constructionism

we need social change:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_change

through social movements:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_movement

embrace all emotions and express effectively and healthfully (assertively)

to strengthen our interpersonal relationships -- having authentic genuine relationships and connections with others.

dumping fakeness/superficiality

replace with realness.

                                         Vulnerability = Connection

In order to reach a place of vulnerability and connection we need to establish a society physically and emotionally safe enough to engage with each other and that does not shut us down and bring up our defenses. And once we can get there... individuals can get down to the process of self-actualization.

It will take a lot of collective work of our society, communities, and families to get there. I wanted to share with you every idea I have on this subject and yes, it has taken a long time to express it in all its glorious detail. However, if you took the time to read this I think you will learn a lot about human beings, the current society we live in, and how exactly we can move forward towards embracing our full humanity.

Yes, it will take a lot of work... to do what it is we need from bottom to top to transform this society into one that could fully support the realization of every human beings potential. But human beings are known for being industrious, resilient, and creative. So let us stop looking to the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy...and realize our collective strengths now to grow beyond our wildest dreams and imaginations. Together we can make it happen.

Positivity: The Gift That Keeps on Giving

               

People ask me how I stay so positive. Well, there are a lot of ways that I use that I would love to share with you. Feel free to use any of it to help yourself!

One reason I think is my personality. I am just a half glass full sort of person. I have a positive attitude about life naturally. Also I think it was the way I was raised. My Mom gave me a lot of self-esteem and encouraged my self-growth. She was a major force in my life, believed in me, and rooted for me—always my biggest fan. Surrounding yourself with positive people helps you to be positive too.

Also I took classes in high school that taught me about something called "self-talk." Self-talk is the constant and automatic chatter that goes on inside of our heads-- basically it's when we talk to ourselves but not out loud. For many of us negative thoughts come into our minds automatically—often times they are unrealistic and unreasonable thoughts. If we don't do work to replace those negative thoughts with more realistic thoughts and/or positive thoughts the negative thoughts can have a negative influence on us. They can not only make us feel bad but they could make us take negative actions and lead to negative patterns of behavior that hurt us and our relationships with other people. 

I learned early on in life to train my brain to automatically recognize and replace negative thoughts with more positive and often times more realistic thoughts—silencing the inner critic. We should be able to slow down our thinking process so we can purposefully examine our thoughts and be able to accurately access our feelings based on clear thinking. When we think reasonably and clearly we can come up with ways to solve our problems, come to acceptance of things we cannot change, and work to change our negative perceptions that are not rational. 

When I was working on my Masters in Social Work I learned about something called cognitive distortions, which is basically the fancy term for "negative self-talk." For more in-depth info on cognitive distortions and how to minimize them read here: http://helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm, here: http://cmhc.utexas.edu/stressrecess/Level_One/cd.html, and here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion. 

I also learned there is an entire branch of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which helps one learn how to manage their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I call the self-help work to recognize our negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts self CBT-- because it is like doing CBT on yourself. The process of changing ones negative thoughts consciously is called cognitive restructuring: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_restructuring. Here are some basic self-help guides to doing it: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-esteem/MH00129 and http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/positive-thinking/SR00009. 

For those with anxiety, borderline personality disorder, sexual abuse, and substance addiction a version of CBT that could be helpful is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy.

It takes time and practice to learn how to do apply cognitive restructuring. It may feel very strange at first but if a person keeps applying it eventually it works to bring comfort and peace to people. This is especially important for people who are impacted by stress, worry, and anxiety. I have told people about this technique and they look at me like I just spoke a foreign language to them. Yes, I admit it seems strange and counter intuitive-- maybe even artificial, but heck if it has any chance at working why not try it? Also it does not work overnight... like most things in life it takes concerted effort, practice, and time. It also helps if you believe it could work.

One must believe it is not a waste of time-- I know if you're used to negative thinking you would probably think it is realistic to think something like this won't work-- but you have to trust that it can and just try. Believe me, we often think we are being realistic but we are often seeing in black and white terms when life is more in shades of grey. In addition, the pessimist stays in inaction because they don't believe in their power to change the way they think, feel, behave, or make choices that will improve their life. They view life as something that just happens to them that they have no impact on—they may think they are doomed to live the life they live—they are cynical. But if you believe you have a choice-- choose optimism. 

I think that happiness and positivity is a choice. If we have a choice in life to be happy or be sad or laugh or cry or think negative or think positive, then let's try to choose to be how we want to be. So choose to focus on the positive and let the negative go. Yes, there is a time for sadness, disappointment, frustration, and yes, even anger. We should feel those emotions when they come and learn to express them in constructive ways, but also let them pass over us and be able to leave them behind. 

Those that live in the past are depressed. Those who live in the future are anxious. Those who live in the present are content. If we allow emotions to overwhelm us and wallow in them, they do not benefit us, they instead hinder us. The ability to bounce back from setbacks in our lives is called resiliency. Resiliency is a very important skill to develop. Being able to adapt in stressful situations gives one stability and hope. Learn more about building your resilience here: http://ucsfhr.ucsf.edu/index.php/assist/article/a-personal-strategy-for-engaging-and-building-your-resilience/.

Attitude is also very important. If we approach life with a positive attitude then we think on the bright side of things and no matter what obstacle or conflict we endure we know that things will work out eventually and that we are capable of handling it and then moving on. It is important that we see that outside forces do not control how we think, feel, or act-- we control those things. You must know that you can do things to make your life better by maintaining a positive attitude and making positive choices. You only have control over yourself so use that control and power to shape your own life choices and don't give power to others to hurt you continually. Use creative problem solving and use the power of positive thinking to empower yourself and not get caught up in negative thinking or actions that weigh you down and keep you from living your best life.

Most of life should be lived in the present moment in a stable and restful way-- this is called homeostasis. Sometimes when we are under stress our bodies will key us up to respond to the challenge we face, but we need to learn how to calm ourselves down and go back to normal mode. If we live in a heightened state of awareness much of our day we are going to be fatigued and frazzled. In that overwhelmed state we are less likely to be resilient, think clearly, or make good decisions. We need to learn relaxation techniques and coping skills to make it through hard times and chill out. 

One way to do that is to accept things we cannot change. Accept people we cannot change. Accept situations we cannot change. We need to learn how to let go and move on. It is easy to get stuck into patterns which only serve to disappoint and frustrate us further if we are not aware and do not notice the repeating patterns we get locked into. We must be conscious of how our actions impact us and be able to tell ourselves no. No, I will not get stuck in this. No, I will not worry. No, this person is not worth getting this upset about. Just let it go. 

Part of this process is to accept the unpredictability and mystery of life. We must accept that we do not know what the future holds but if we are strong in ourselves we should believe in our ability and capability to handle whatever comes our way. If we live in fear of the future we live anxious and miserable lives. We must tell ourselves "everything will be okay" because even if we are in the middle of a crisis, we need to know that eventually things do get better and we can move forward. In the long run things really do work out mostly because we are able to make it so they do. We have a lot of strengths we do not even recognize. That is why it is good to believe in yourself and your ability to cope and persevere through adversity—to have confidence in yourself. 

Some relaxation techniques one can use to calm down and cope include breathing, yoga, walking, writing, painting, or any activity one enjoys. One practice in particular that can help is called mindfulness. Mindfulness is being aware of the present moment, noticing your thoughts and feelings, and not allowing yourself to place judgment or blame on them. Mindfulness allows you to respond to thoughts and feelings appropriately through awareness but not to over-react to them. It can also help to clear the mind of constant self-talk and bring one into the present moment and focus. In addition, it can quiet and calm the mind and center oneself so one can focus on happiness and positive feelings. Some mindfulness exercises include: meditation and/or guided mediation, deep breathing, listening to music, observing ones thoughts, or journaling. An extensive guide to what mindfulness is and how to practice it is here: http://www.jimhopper.com/mindfulness/.

One way people get tripped up is getting too personally involved in situations and taking things said to them or done to them in such a personal way they become debilitated by others. Allowing oneself to do this is like giving away ones power. It is important to learn not to take what others do so harshly that it ruins you. That is why the saying "forgive and forget" exists. It is not for the other person-- it's for you. 

Forgiving allows you to let go of the anger, bitterness, and pain, and forgetting allows you to put it in the past and move on. Another thing is if you have confidence in yourself then you can tell yourself, "hey, I didn't deserve that but I am not going to let that person get to me. It's too bad for them they have some issue. I'm going to move on and find someone who deserves my attention." Or if it's just some opinion someone has you can say "Well, that's their opinion, I can consider it but it's not an end all be all, and I can always agree to disagree." Getting very upset over what others say is a sure fire way to hurt you and/or your relationship. If it is abusive then by all means confront the person and tell them that what they said hurt you. But otherwise it is best to hear what they have to say and if it applies to you use it and if it doesn't leave it. When you can validate yourself and have self-assuredness you don't beat yourself up thinking there is something wrong with you and you don't get defensive when someone says something you don't like. 

In addition, it helps if we recognize our own values and expectations. If we value something and others don't we tend to get disappointed. But we should expect that not everyone thinks like we do and not everyone has the same values or expectations. We must accept that not everyone is on the same page we are on. It does not have to be seen as a negative-- we should just see it for what it is-- it is what it is. We need to focus instead on finding people who do share our values and those we do click with. If we run into people who don't, what is the point of getting in a tizzy about it? Release them and go find someone who you do have a connection with. Or agree to disagree. Getting so upset that we want to rage at them, get revenge, or retaliate only hurts us and it will rarely teach them anything—they will probably come away thinking there is something wrong with you and that is all. There are healthier ways to express ourselves. If we get upset over people not fitting what we are looking for all the time who do we hurt? Only ourselves. Those people move on...why shouldn't you? If we want to be happy, it's a choice.

Other things I do to maintain as much positivity as possible include:

Creating a support system/network --friends, family, etc.

Doing activities/hobbies outside the house that I enjoy.

Getting exercise-- hiking, swimming, walking, doing chores, etc.

Volunteering and helping others.

Try not to judge or blame others or myself. 

Rescuing animals.

Patting myself on the back/appreciating myself/celebrating my accomplishments big and small.

Trying to not be passive or aggressive-- being assertive!

Set limits and boundaries.

Take care of myself. Self-care is important to maintaining sanity in a sometimes insane world.

Do things I am passionate about.

Trying not to worry what others think about me. Trying to drop self-consciousness and live for me with no apologies! 

Ask for what I want, need, and deserve. Be willing to ask for help and support when I need it. 

Get copious amounts of affection. Give copious amounts of affection. 

Encourage others and get encouragement.

Standing in my truth. Tell others the truth and be willing to confront others.

Being real is more important than being nice. However, one can be compassionate and empathetic while speaking the truth.

Respecting others self-determination even if they make choices I would not make.

Respecting my own time and energy —try not over-extend myself. 

Learn the art of patience. 

Trying not to be too hard on myself/perfectionist/beat myself up. Be compassionate-- towards myself!

Learn to effectively problem solve.

Learn to take responsibility for my own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Learn to manage and regulate them effectively.

Don't rely on others to make me happy.

Play with, take care of, and pet my animals. 

Love, embrace, and accept myself the way I am at any given moment-- everyone has insecurities, but we should focus on our positives and learn to love ourselves despite of our faults and flaws... and maybe learn to love them too! Remember no one is perfect-- so I try to be perfectly imperfect! ;)

Try not to compare myself to others.

Take risks! Open myself up to vulnerability!

Try, try, and try again. There is only one way to fail-- not to try. When we try we will always gain something-- even if it is learning what not to do. If we don't try, we doom ourselves. Be the "little engine that could" and will yourself to try!

Know my own self-worth.

Be my own best friend.

Build and develop my skills, talents, and creative abilities. 

Put positive intentions into the world. 

Create goals and accomplish them one step at a time. Do not rush it. Success is a journey, not a destination.

Get enough sleep.

Participate in social activism, grassroots organizing, and/or advocating for a cause.

Don’t try to change people—people need to change themselves if they want to. Support them, don’t push them. 

Give back to your community. 

Write, journal, and/or blog.

Know I deserve to be treated well-- don't put up with mistreatment. Acknowledge deal breakers and be willing to move on.

Be willing to compromise. Learn to adapt and be flexible.

Learn to communicate effectively.

Every day is a new day-- and a new opportunity-- just because something happened before doesn't mean it will happen again. Notice patterns and work to change them... start with putting positive thoughts and intentions out into the world. 

Do not seek revenge-- revenge only serves to hurt one more. Learn to let it go for one’s own sake.

Embrace paradoxes, conflicting ideas, contradictions, cognitive dissonance, and the grey of life. Try not to get caught in false dichotomies or false dilemmas. 

Take responsibility for my own actions and own my own BS. Don’t get caught up in self-defense mechanisms.

Laugh—develop a healthy sense of humor.

Others cannot complete me, solve my problems, make me fulfilled and whole—only I can do that. Others can only be our partners in the journey.

Learn how to soothe myself and calm myself down. Find whatever works for me and use it!

Do not assume because something seems impossible to obtain that it is. Don’t criticize your dreams as unobtainable…. Instead keep trying and embrace the journey. Do not get too tied into outcomes… keep searching and believing that someday it will work the way it is meant to.  

Try not to get caught up in self-fulfilling prophecies—allowing my fears, negative thoughts, and false predictions become my reality. Try not to fortune tell – have rigid expectations for how things will turn out before they happen. Be open-minded. 

Make an impact, leave my mark, think about the legacy I want to leave behind. 

Eat healthy as possible but indulge sometimes. Try not to beat oneself up for eating unhealthy. Enjoy all foods in moderation. 

Try not to act on defense. Disarm people with humor, empathy, and understanding. Seek to problem solve with others and agree to disagree. 

Create my life consciously-- manifest my own destiny.

Believe in whimsy and that things happening for a reason. Believe in karma. But don't believe in it on faith alone—believe in it because I have seen it work in action. Use that belief to help me trust that things will work out and when one door closes another will open.

Sometimes we must let go of the ideal version of the life we think we deserve, and instead embrace the life we can create realistically one step at a time. 

Practice some creative expression—make art, paint, create jewelry, knit, write poetry, play music/sing, draw etc.

Notice patterns in my life and try not to repeat them. Learn from my mistakes. 

Be hopeful and grateful.

Don’t pretend I know it all. Admit when I am wrong or make a mistake. Take responsibility for my own actions. 

Be self-reflexive and willing to learn from mistakes in order to grow.

Be real, authentic, genuine, and honest.

Be generous, compassionate, kind, empathetic and giving -- help and understand others!

Take responsibility for my own happiness.

Have strong values, morals, principles, and ethics-- as a Secular Humanist (or whatever one chooses to live by)

Don't try to rescue other people. They must rescue themselves, and you must rescue yourself. 

Get out in nature/travel.

Try to have good time management skills. 

Cook/bake.

Balance work/play.

Life is what you make it.

Vicktor Frankl, psychiatrist and holocaust survivor: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." ~Helen Keller

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure." ~ Bill Cosby

 

I’ve been told before in response to my positive thinking— “easier said than done.” No one said it would be easy, but what is the alternative? Being miserable? I think it’s worth it to try to be positive. Being pessimistic means you think there is no point in even trying and that is a sure fire way to fail. Working hard to be positive and take risks in life allows one to truly live and live a happier life. Positive attitude and positive choices gets one a long way.... We can only manage ourselves so let's use what power we do have for good. 

 

At the end of the day totally stress free is a misnomer, but learning to manage stress and contain it helps one live a more productive life that is filled with well-being and the space to create a happy life. While it is impossible to eliminate worry, doubts, judgments, blame, and negative thoughts, we can learn to minimize them and focus our minds on things that will help us instead of hurt us. Don’t let the past shape your future—every moment is an opportunity to turn things around— if only in your own mind.

So don't worry, be happy! Hakuna matata (there are no worries in Swahili)! Remember to live in the present moment and to live each second with good intensions, abundance, total abandonment, and joy for embracing life. Look at every opportunity to become a better person and be more positive. Everyone is capable of learning how and the practice and process of it is never ending, but the rewards are endless too. No one said life was easy-- being happy is work but it's work worth doing. If you feed the negativity that is what will run your life. Choose to feed the positive and become more emotionally liberated.  

Making It Better Together: A Personal Narrative of Bullying

                                                                         When I was a young child as young as a kindergartener, I was teased because of my weight. I have always been a fat person. Our society, which values thinness and devalues fatness, lead to even my five year old peers tearing me down. Five years old is a delicate age. One is barely able to take in the world and express oneself verbally. To be so bombarded with messages that one is not good enough, pretty enough, or thin enough is not a good thing. 60% of all children bullied are bullied because they are fat.

In fact, the notion that one should go on a diet starts as young as age five and eating disorders start that young as well. There is probably a high correlation between starting school and this statistic. Young people are like a sponge for all that is in our society and since they are too young to be able to properly filter the information and have the higher reasoning skills (which develop much past age 18-- and only fully matures around age 25) and critical thinking to dismiss it. So this means they are more likely to hurt each others' feelings with negative junk they take in and spit out.  

Children are sensitive because they have not yet developed all the self-esteem, self-confidence, self-assuredness, positive self-image, self-efficacy, and self-actualization they will need in life. In fact, that is one of the main goals in a child's life-- to develop those exact qualities and learn to be self-contained. In early life it seems many children learn to put each other down in order to build their own sense of self and power, instead of getting that intrinsically from the inside out. 

Sadly, there are many adults who never learn these skills and have the low self-confidence and body image that goes with it. Into adulthood many people in our society continue to suffer with low self-esteem and low self-image. They continue to listen to society's negative messages instead of being able to filter them out and realize their own worth and value despite what others may think or say. In general adults learn tact and learn to be nice to each other. Adults learn how not to be mean and rude as they develop genuine care for others outside of self. On the other hand, children are often selfish by nature-- as they work to meet their own needs in their process of growing up. Unfortunately, emotional abuse and verbal put downs do continue into adulthood for many and some don't know how to handle it and it can drag some down. But adults in general have more tools to help them get through these times such as support networks, therapy, friends, faith communities, family, co-workers, or social ties. Adults also learn coping skills so they can cope with challenges and separate what others say from reality. Whereas this is very difficult for children to do because their brains have a hard time with this skill and they take a lot personally and internalize it. In general kids are not taught effectively enough self-soothing skills, coping methods, how to self-regulate their emotions and feelings, or how to assert and advocate for their own needs. Kids are often not affirmed or encouraged nearly enough by adults in their lives. Kids are thought to be resilient and tough, when in many cases they are not. Children need the protection of adults..... but often times they are left lacking. 

I recall the teasing I endured for being fat, growing not stopping, as I progressed in school. From kindergarten to elementary school it grew by leaps and bounds. I was never in the "popular crowd" and had very few friends. I would say I was more a loner who had a few acquaintances here and there. As a child I was more an observer than a joiner. There was another fat kid who I remember started hitting me. He would make jokes and then punch me on the shoulder. Even when I asked him to stop he kept doing it. Apparently the oppressed sometimes become the oppressor. Those bullied can become bullies. Those abused or neglected at home can act out their pain through hurting others. This kid even told me if I ever told anyone he would hit me more. But one day I did tell my Mom who called our teacher. The teacher played it off as if it were no big deal and supposedly spoke with the kid hitting me. But the hitting still happened sometimes. Eventually the kid stopped bothering me but he probably moved on to some other seemingly-helpless target.

I remember always being picked last to play on sports teams during P.E. And kids rolling their eyes and groaning at me because I wasn't fast enough or good at sports. P.E. teachers never made anything better for people like me. It was embarrassing and made me feel bad. Why did I deserve that just because I happened to be fat? I remember a really rude kid who bullied everyone around him calling me "butt nugget" and "fat-so" when we got on the bus together at the end of the day to go home. The bus driver never said anything to him even though he harassed everyone. Who would think a fourth grader could be a terrorizer? But it happens. And tyrants like that get away with it if no one tries to stop them and they face no consequences for their actions. Little kids can't stop it. It's up to adults to stop it. 

I remember early in life my grades were not so great-- average. My self-esteem was not so great either. In general I was a happy child but I wasn't as fulfilled as I could be. I felt left out and ostracized. As I transitioned to middle school my grades got better. I started to come into my own and realized I was capable of doing good work. Getting on the Honor Roll became an avenue of self-esteem for me. I had friends here or there but none of them stuck around too long. One became more popular and ditched me for in-crowd girls. One was not so popular herself but the first chance she got to tell others bad things about me she did--spreading rumors. I began to get teased for not wearing the right clothes. There were two girls who were best friends who would follow me around on the playground and sometimes after school when I was walking home and make threats to beat me up. They never went through with it but it was scary to me.

My family was never rich or big into labels. We did not shop at Macy's or any department store for that matter. We shopped at thrift stores, way before that was a cool thing to do. We bought our shoes from Payless. I wore multicolor cotton clothes-- for little girls, instead of jeans and more expensive clothes teenagers were supposed to wear according to the other kids around me. That is the funny thing about middle school-- mine had 5th-8th grade all together in one school. Some kids were 10 years old going on 15. I was content to act my age. But there was a toll to be paid for it. I was teased for not wearing the right clothes and being "poor." One day I was walking home from school and some boys threw rocks at me. They were big rocks and I was scared. I ran as fast as I could up the hill to my house and luckily did not get hit. But it was very traumatic. 

Around sixth grade is when I developed a crush on a neighborhood boy. He had returned the feelings but because he was much more thin, into sports, and popular, he told me straight to my face he would only date me if I wasn't fat. He would flirt with me but when push came to shove our relationship never progressed past that. As a twelve year old with her first big crush, I did the thing twelve year old girls do, I wrote down all my feelings in a journal. 

I wrote extensively about how I wanted to date this boy but that I had to lose weight in order to get him to want me back. I have re-read all my childhood journals since and it breaks my heart. Most of them are filled with page after page about the deep desire to lose weight-- as if my weight equated to my ability to get a date, be happy, or my self-worth. As if my life would only begin once I was thin-- or that I would only find romantic love if I lost weight. I thought that no one would ever want to date me if I were fat. This was a notion drilled into me by the messages of society which would filter from mass media, TV, magazines, and into the mouths of all of those around me. It had to be true, right?

Unfortunately, my younger sister ended up giving my journal to this boy I had a major crush on. Apparently she had a crush on him too and his influence over her skewed her judgment. After reading it he gave it back and told me flat out that I "disgusted him" and he no longer wanted to be friends with me. I was completely crushed, defeated, humiliated, and mortified. It was challenging to pick myself up from that and move on. But I did. 

Later in eighth grade, students would come up to me and say I was the "waterfall girl." I didn't know what they were talking about. I asked once and someone told me that this boy I had had that crush on years ago now had spread a sexual rumor about me that in my journal I wrote a fantasy about having sex with him under a waterfall. I reported this to a counselor and they called him into the office. We sat across from each other as the counselor asked him if he would at least say sorry to me. He said he didn't want to and she didn't make him either. The principle told me that because they couldn't prove it wasn't actually in my journal they couldn't do anything about it. I felt abandoned. Later on I found out that sexual rumors are considered sexual harassment and the rumor he spread about me didn't have to be proven true or not-- he had no right to do that without any consequences. Adults who could have made a difference in my life let me down. 

By the end of middle school I was becoming known as a geek. I was smart and it showed. I never got into trouble, got the highest grades in my classes, and had one or two friends who were also high-achieving. Although we scored top scores on all our assignments, we were all the bottom of the barrel of the school in terms of social status. So if I wasn't being teased for being fat, it was because I was poor and didn't wear the right clothes and that I had no friends and wasn't popular enough. Others seemed to think that I was so pathetic I had to make up stories about having sex with boys, and even something that was a sense of pride for me-- my grades, made me a moving target. But all of that didn't stop me from continuing to be myself.

My mother raised me to be that way-- to be myself no matter what. She has since told me that she read the experts before she had me and they all said self-esteem was the number one thing to instill in your children. So my mother tried the best she could to shield me from the crap this would had to deal out. Of course she couldn't always do it but at least I had that foundation and unconditional love and support. 

Eventually I lost weight and then gained it back-- plus more. I started caring more about my appearance and I did start wearing jeans even if they were off brand. I developed my own style. When I entered my freshman year of high school things took a down turn-- and my grades started to slip. I had made a lot of new friends but they were a crowd of rockers, skaters, punks, and goths who hung out on the outskirts of the school. Many of them were in the out-crowd too. Sadly many of them had suffered abuse, turned to drugs, and were involved in partying and having promiscuous sex. Being the strait-laced goody two shoes I was-- and continue to be til this day-- I didn't quite fit in even in the out-crowd. But as the natural helper I was I got sucked into trying to help them through their problems. Along the way I developed unreciprocated crushes and got way too enmeshed and over-involved in these kids’ lives. But at least in a high school of over 4,000 students I wasn't really noticed enough to get teased very often. 

There was one girl in one of my classes who did bother me. She would pick on me and try to intimate me. She would threaten to beat me up sometimes too. I went to my counselor at school and told him about it. He called her in and spoke with her and the bullying stopped. That was the last bully I can recall bothering me in high school. 

Eventually I figured out that it didn't matter if I had no friends at all, I had me. I was going to be the best friend I would ever have in life-- to myself. I decided I needed to live life for me and not for anyone else. My grades went back up and I continued to dress however I wanted to, hung out with acquaintances here or there, and spent many days hanging out with myself and having lunch with teachers.

I came out as bisexual when I was 15 years old. All of my friends were supportive and most of them came out as bisexual later on. We were all part of the Gay/Straight Alliance at my school, which at the time was called "Rainbow Pride" club. The club was a huge source of support for me and allowed me to feel encouraged. It became the start of my activism as I helped educate students and teachers alike about homophobia and how to support LGBT people. At least 70% of all LGBT youth face bulling in some form at some point and many are bullied for being perceived as gay or for not conforming to socially constructed rigid gender roles. 

Sometimes I felt the pressure though to not out myself. As a feminine person no one questioned that I was straight. I had people come up to me and ask on occasion if I was gay, and I would simply answer "no" knowing that I was bi -- what we call "half gay." Haha. It took me until I was 22 years old to figure out that I don't like men-- I just like masculine women. Anyway, the gay/straight alliance was what made high school bearable and allowed me to carve myself out a little place to be myself, be accepted the way I was, and advocate for myself and others. 

Since graduating college I haven't faced formal bullying. Kids grow up and mature. They develop those higher reasoning skills and well, manners. They know it's rude to call someone fat, although I have since embraced the term and actually find nothing wrong with being fat. In fact, I now feel quite the opposite about it. I like being fat and I think it's attractive in me and in others. But it really doesn't matter what shape or size or color one is. We're all human beings and deserve respect regardless. Difference shouldn't be derided-- it should be celebrated and embraced. That is a value we must teach young people. 

Many adults figure out that they don't have to put others down to feel good about themselves and they move on from that type of behavior. When a person becomes more secure in themselves they often have no reason to pick on others. Once in a college class some boys in the back of the room supposedly made some rude comment about my girlfriend and I who were taking the same class together. We would hold hands and kiss sometimes. Apparently other women in the class stood up for us and told them to keep it to themselves. I've been told people stare at me sometimes when I am with my current partner or talk behind our backs. However, I have never been called a "dyke" or anything like that to my face. I live in the SF Bay Area and feel pretty safe being openly gay and using public displays of affection with my partner. I am lucky because I know others; especially masculine women and gay men do receive a lot more harassment. 

The most harassment I get nowadays about my weight seems to be from my doctors who need to learn a thing or two about the HAES (Health at Every Size) movement. No one ever complains about what I wear-- I actually get a lot of compliments about my fashion now, even though many of my clothes continue to come from thrift stores. I also get a lot of respect and admiration for the fact that I am smart. In grade school being smart makes you a nerd, in life, being smart makes you cool.

When I was a child ways I fought back against bullying varied. Sometimes it was to be direct with the person and ask them to stop. That didn't always work. Sometimes it meant telling a teacher or counselor. In most instances that stopped the behavior once the teacher/counselor spoke with the student and warned them of the consequences of bothering me again. I also found ways to try to avoid people or find people to hang out with that made it less likely to run up against bullies-- such as not being alone or hanging out with teachers. I was open often times with my parents too about whatever was going on. They did not always know what to do to make it stop but they tried to help me and support me. I eventually was able to join the gay/straight alliance, which helped me feel supported. Later in life I also learned how to prevent bullying on a larger level-- by educating, raising awareness, and advocating for the LGBT, POC, and disabled populations within my school through formal methods. I even won a scholarship for service to the LGBT community in part because of that work. 

Since high school I have continued my advocacy for all kinds of causes and populations. I consider myself an anti-racist activist, a fat-positive and fat acceptance activist, feminist and women's rights activist, LGBT rights activist, a youth rights activist, a poor-people's advocate, among others. I have particularly dedicated my efforts to the LGBT community and have done so in a volunteer and professional capacity. 

In the past three years I have volunteered my time to do LGBT 101 workshops at Castro Valley High School during the Days of Diversity every March. I was asked to speak to any LGBT topic I wanted to and I chose to do an overview of LGBT terms in the introduction, but then get into the nitty gritty of the main issue facing high school students right now: which is bullying. 

I give the students facts and statistics about just how many LGBT students are being impacted by bullying. I talk about how many LGBT students feel harassed, are physically assaulted, feel their safety is threatened, don't show up for or drop out of school, are kicked out of their homes, become homeless, engage in substance abuse, are the target of a hate crime, or attempt suicide or complete suicide. So many young people want to ignore the reality but I make sure they hear the truth. So many are quick to downplay it and say it doesn't happen at their school but I challenge them on that notion. 

I talk to them about the phrase "that's so gay" and how that impacts others and the use of the word "fag." I teach them effective tools for confronting others when they hear these words and phrases. I empower them by letting them know that they are responsible to each other and their community and it's up to them to create an atmosphere where these types of put downs are not tolerated, are unacceptable, and become "uncool." That is the point at which grim statistics become something we all can do something about and reverse the tide of negativity.

I attempt to get the students to get in touch with their own experiences of bullying, of being teased, put down, made to feel inferior, etc. This helps them feel empathy for others who may be in a similar situation. When they can make that connection to people those folks become less otherized and less different. They can see those people are more like them. Empathy is very important to develop in young people. As empathy is built up people are more likely to have compassion for others, to stick up for others, and are less likely to harm other people. Since the teenage brain is not fully developed complexity is hard to come by and ethical reasoning and decision making is more of a challenge. Empathy is the bridge to break through the stereotypes as it is a universal feeling. Almost all people are capable of developing it, even children. We have to start early in teaching children to put themselves in other people's shoes and remember to treat others how they want to be treated.

The complicated matter is that children's brains are not fully developed..Their frontal lobes still develop until they are 26 years old. This is a little known fact, but true none-the-less. From my research about that area of the brain it impacts ethical decision making, emotional development, higher moral functioning, decision making skills, judgement, creates a lack of complexity, and leaves youth without a proper grasp of the full consequences for actions taken. without the complexity necessary youth stereotype very easily. They are in often in a toxic pressure filled environment that sends them messages to fit in at any cost. Their normal stage of development is partly about exploring who they are...and identity formation. This is natural for them so they are already doing that. But they are thrown in a situation where they don't have many options in terms of identity. Being themselves is often frowned upon and many kids become insecure and self conscious. Difference is what becomes a target because of the pressure to fit in and the lack of complexity in most youth's thought process. This leads to many developing a low self image and can lead to further issues with bullying as people struggle to gain popularity by any means necessary. Given the lack of youth's abilities in making good decisions based on sound judgement, and understanding fully the consequences and impact of their actions on themselves and others.. this is the recipe for disaster we see today.

We don't give kids the tools they need to navigate their everyday emotional lives and express their feelings in healthy ways. We don't embody children with self esteem or self determination so they feel a lack of control and power..and feel that one upping another is the way to get it. In a system where people are made to feel inferior youth are bound to develop maladaptive behavior. We can't change the brain development of youth, but we can support their development.. and help them develop prosocial and protective factors to counter act risk factors. This would include teaching them empathy and healthy ways to express their feelings. It would mean giving them a proper outlet for their feelings and helping them to solve interpersonal conflicts in healthy and effective ways. We need to support developing trust with youth so they feel they have someone to turn to. It means training students to be upstanders instead of bystanders. It means training teachers, administrators, and counselors to prevent and intervene in bullying. it would take a lot of work...and resources, time, energy, and money. But whatever it takes, it would be worth it.

We can all help create the positive environment that will welcome people no matter what their differences are. Instead of picking on people because of those differences-- or letting it slide when we see others do it, we need to stop it by confronting it and also working on prevention. Everyone plays a part and we cannot allow words to be a vehicle for oppression or actions to bring others down. If we ignore injustice we become part of the process of it perpetuating it. It is our own actions, adults and students alike, that can help put an end to bullying and create a culture of support and positivity for our young people to flourish in. 

A couple of years back a person from the past sent me a message on facebook. It was no one I recognized. She explained back in middle school she used to tease me and she said she wanted to apologize and let me know it had nothing to do with me-- that she had been going through a hard time and just found people to lash out on. I replied telling her not to worry, not only had a moved on from the bullying I had endured in school, I didn't even remember who she was. Haha! It was wonderful to know that someone would go out of their way to apologize for something like that... but even better to know that I have truly come out the other side of bullying-- a survivor. I have more self-esteem and self-confidence than most people I know. I truly love myself and it shows. I shine from the inside outward and I don't let others drag me down. I have learned how to fight through adversity and take on challenges to better myself and my community along the way. 

Some have called to criminalize bullying and lock up all those who are guilty of it. However, I caution against that. While it is important that we enforce and put into action all laws that protect youth against bullying and to pass a nationwide federal policy against bullying, making bullying a crime and locking kids up isn't a good solution to the problem. As far as legislation goes, it is great to have social and school policies that are supposed to protect students against bullying. However, the problem is when they are not enforced. We have to make sure they are implemented vigorously and enforced. Every one of us must work to make sure these policies work for students. This means that teachers, administrators, counselors, social workers, the school board, and students themselves must work together to implement and enforce policies to protect students. Everyone must be held accountable to each other to make sure bullying is prevented and stopped. 

In addition, zero tolerance policies at schools can do more harm than good. Many kids who bully do so because they themselves are in trouble. Whether it's because they suffer from low self-esteem, they are being bullied themselves, or maybe even abused or neglected at home, we need to get bullies the help they need and in the process stop bullying. Also encouraging conflict resolution and restorative justice programs at schools as well as peer education and support groups can help. Give students opportunities to come together and learn how to express themselves, communicate in healthy ways, and solve their conflicts without negativity. We can teach youth to be part of preventing and stopping bullying. We need to provide more social workers and counselors for kids at school. We need to train every adult and every child so that they become change agents and so they feel confident that they can intervene to resolve situations should they arise. 

Furthermore, as adults in children’s lives, whether parents, guardians, teachers, social workers, therapists, aunts, uncles, grandmothers, grandfathers, mentors, etc. we can instill kids with self-esteem. If we help children develop good self-confidence, acceptance, and to love themselves the way they are at any given moment, we teach them a lifelong skill that will sustain them. When children have self-contained self-assurance they are less likely to seek outside sources to make them feel better about themselves or feel more powerful. This means in both situations, whether kids attempt to get what they need from tearing others down or look to others to validate them, they will be less likely to do so. They will instead get what they need from inside of them, reinforced by caring adults. Children who can validate themselves and who see their intrinsic dignity, worth, and value are more resilient and less likely to become bullies. In addition, children who are taught this are more likely to stand up against bullying and ask for help to combat it. Children need to be taught that the highest value is to respect oneself and then others. With this in mind it will be easier for children to stick up for themselves and each other and not give into peer pressure to accept teasing, taunting, put downs, harassment, mean jokes, threats, physical assaults, and cruelty in any form. 

No matter what method of fighting bullying we use, we need to do something! From my own story of bullying I experienced one can take inspiration in overcoming it and combating it for future generations to come..... We can no longer allow children to take their own lives because they can no longer take the pain of rejection and abuse. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but due to their lack of higher reasoning skills, young people being targeted and bullied have a hard time seeing a future. They are wrapped up in their suffering and they just want it to stop and many don’t realize that death is as permanent as it is. We have to make bullying stop together and share the burden to prevent and end bullying. Let's all dedicate ourselves to doing something to prevent bullying and stop it whenever it does occur. We are all capable of making it better today and for tomorrow too. Ensuring safety for all children and youth starts with our actions.