What Mothers Truly Deserve for Mothers Day

In no particular order and not a full list by any means..... but here goes:

To love herself unconditionally.

To feel full of self confidence.

To have a healthy and positive body image.

To have a sex positive society that allows her to explore her sexuality and be free to express herself sexually without shame and with protection of her health.

If she has a partner that they help her do chores, cook, clean, run errands, and take care of their children.

Access to affordable organic non-gmo free range non-factory farmed cruelty-free chemical-free food.

Access to the time and safe space to exercise and cook and eat slow, healthy, and nutritious meals.


To have a society that helps her raise her children.

To have her government give her child free childcare, healthcare, education (through college), and counseling.

To be able to work a meaningful job where she owns the means of production and collectively benefits from work she produces.

To have enough time to spend with their children, partner, and with herself.

To be able to express healthfully and assertively all her emotions, feelings, and thoughts.

To be actively listened to, validated, and supported by others.

To have friends, social connections, and a rich network of community networks.

To have free access to comprehensive reproductive rights and services, including free birth control and on demand abortion.

Equal pay to men.

Pass the equal rights amendment.

Access to free health care, education, parenting classes, support groups, and counseling for themselves.

Guaranteed income, and all basic needs met-- food, clothing, shelter.

A living wage, benefits, and a good amount of paid vacation and parental leave time.

To live in a society free of poverty, exploitation, oppression, sexism, patriarchy, racism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, heterosexism, heteropatriarchy, ableism, sizesm, ageism, xenophobia, prejudice, or discrimination.

To have self-determination, self-worth, dignity, liberty, agency, self-activation, self-actualization, and the ability to reach her highest potential.

To marry or not and still receive the same benefits and protections regardless.

Access to social security and full pension retirement at age 55.

Support in care taking for elderly parents.

The right to die with dignity and in the manner of ones choosing.

To determine what she does with her own life and body without criminalization.

For the government to give children's allowances to help support in the raising of children.

The ratification of The Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW) and any and all human rights conventions and laws that protect women and children.

A life free from violence and abuse in any form.

The end of foreign wars, the drug war, imperialism, and capitalism.

Full, complete, and utter liberation.

Now that would be one. happy. mothers. day.

Why Capitalism Does Not Work

This will be a very succinct list. Much more in-depth study would be needed in order to understand and verify the following assertions I am making.....Here goes:

It produces economic, political, and social inequality—in order for one to gain, another must lose.

Inherently exploitative—creates wage slaves, steals labor value, and often pays CEOs 500 times the lowest paid worker.

It oppresses people and will use any ism to further oppress people to create wealth for the few.

Has an insatiable appetite that can never be satisfied to gain more wealth and power… and will use any means necessary to fill it—including cutting jobs and moving overseas, human rights violations, cutting wages and benefits, laying people off at will, destroying the environment, putting human lives at risk, and perpetuating war and imperialism around the world.

It alienates us from our work, from ourselves, and from each other.

It is based on accumulation of wealth.

It is based on competition instead of cooperation.

It puts profit over human needs.

It perverts the system by making everything based on and motivated by profit. For example healthcare… the health insurance companies make A LOT of money off of other people’s misery and suffering, instead of the system being based on quality care and access guaranteed to all regardless of income.This system creates a conflict of interest..and allows for too much risk of abuse.

It does not have internal controls and accountability measures.

It is not based on ethics or values of uplifting all of humanity.

It corrupts absolutely and invades every aspect of life.

It is hierarchical—the owners of the means of production have all the power, make all the major decisions, and reap the vast majority of profit regardless of how hard the workers work. It also sets up a political, economic, and social system that is undemocratic.

*The system we currently have in the United States is is a plutarchy which is a combination of a plutocracy and an oligarchy. A plutocracy is rule by the rich and powerful and an oligarcy is rule by a few powerful people. It also has set up a system in which money is free speech (this was thanks to a U.S. Supreme Court decisions so they are obviously not partial either) and corporations and rich people can donate with no limits to political campaigns and influence candidates anyway they want. This is undemocratic as our interests are barely represented. Only rich candidates who take corporate money can be elected to high office.

Basic facts on economic inequality today brought to you via capitalism:

http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/02/income-inequality-in-america-chart-graph


Must-watch documentary that explains why capitalism is inherently flawed:

http://www.thecorporation.com/index.cfm?page_id=46

Cute short film about mice and cats that sums up why capitalism does not work:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqpFm7zAK90&feature=share

Fully Realizing Human Potential

I have lately wondered more and more: is there more to life than this? Does it get better?

How can I raise the bar and push myself to reach a higher level? How can I become a more fully realized human being?

So this questioning has lead me to  higher consciousness and how we as a society and humanity can reach for it together.

We are told more and more often lately that we need to cut back and to start living to survive. With nearly 1 in 5 people on struggling to meet basic needs in America, 1 in 7 on food stamps, and more and more people slipping below the poverty line every day, people are working hard just to stay afloat.

For example look here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/28/afford-food-hunger_n_1308020.html

Our society is susceptible to a cynical and negative attitude. As someone who believes in hope and resiliency, I reject the tendency to close ourselves off and shut ourselves down from connecting more with ourselves or others. Or to search for other possibilities or ways of being. We have to start to think beyond meeting just our basic needs.

There is a concept known as Maslow's Hierachy of Needs which I feel describes this situation perfectly. Maslow, a psychologist, described this in the form of a pyramid with lower level basic needs at the bottom (food, clothing, shelter) and self-actualization at the top.

Maslow described self-actualization as "the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming." Basically to become more of ourselves and what we are truly meant to be given the conditions necessary to get there.

Right now many of us have less and less of what we need to even fulfill Maslow's basic levels of human functioning and survival. Maslow says until we all have every need met, we cannot start looking at how to self-actualize. Yet I think we need to start at least thinking about it, now, and working towards consciously making it a reality in our everyday lives.

More about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

Maslow describes the hierarchy as the following:

"Maslow's hierarchy of needs begins with the most basic necessities deemed 'the physiological needs' in which the individual will seek out items like food and water, and must be able to perform basic functions such as breathing and sleeping. Once these needs have been met, a person can move on to fulfilling 'the safety needs,' where they will attempt to obtain a sense of security, physical comforts and shelter, employment, and property. The next level is 'the belongingness and love needs,' where people will strive for social acceptance, affiliations, a sense of belongingness and being welcome, sexual intimacy, and perhaps a family. Next are 'the esteem needs,' where the individual will desire a sense of competence, recognition of achievement by peers, and respect from others." (Wiki).

The last step is self-actualization.

Here is more info about it:

self-actualization:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-actualization

how to self-actualize:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvySe_GFwE4

characteristics of self-actualization:

http://www.tribalmessenger.org/headlines/maslow-self-actualized-traits.htm

longer video about maslow's hierachy of needs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yM8SwZkvCIY

As a person I have pretty much grown in my thinking far beyond the lower levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I am interested in the following:

liberation, transformation, transcending our former selves, raising-consciousness, living with intent, meaningful life and work, ability to fully be realized, reaching ones potential, purusing passion, agency, fully realizing compassion, genuine, real, and authentic connection with self and others (emotional intimacy), being fully present, active liberty, personal and self growth, higher consciousness, enlightenment, interconnectedness, social relationship focus, humanism, human expression, creativity, caring for one another, enhancing quality of life, and living a purposeful life.

I find that I am part of these movements:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_development

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_Potential_Movement

To me we need to first admit that we need and deserve far more beyond the basics of life. We also need more than material things, wealth, power, privilege, control, dominance, and even more than basic self-esteem or accomplishments such as an advanced degree or career, relationship, or family.
                                                      
                                           Where We Have Gone Wrong

Right now we are consumed with many unconscious patterns driving us in destructive ways. Many of us operate on internalized toxic shame, control, dominance, power over others, defenses, and negative coping skills we use to try and feed us (substances, food, sex, etc.) instead of operating in ways that connect us to each other as human beings. This may be in part be because we do not get our meets met fully and so we maladapt. A lot of the time it is also because of trauma in early childhood-- abuse we encounter.

                                               Reconnecting with Human Needs

In order to heal we need to reconnect with what it is we truly need-- one of those main things being other people.

Human needs thrive on social connection. We need to attune to each other. This includes empathy, trust, effective and healthy authentic communication, and compassion.

For more on this I recommend these videos featuring Dr. Brene Brown, University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, and lead researcher in the field of shame studies:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjFfKkjKdUU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0

                                                What Marx Said
Something else that would help in our understanding is the concept of alienation. The sociologist, Karl Marx long ago spoke of how we are alienated from each other. Unfortunately this still rings true today. We are alienated from our work, from ourselves, and each other. He spoke to something called "species being" which Marx felt was as close to human nature as we have. He felt that in our socio-cultural interactions with one another we could create authentic human bonds and growth. However, he saw that private profit, commodification, and objectification got in the way.

This is what Marx felt causes alienation and thus the loss of species being. Marx felt that "capitalist mode of production renders the product of production alien to the person who has produced it, thus making man alien to himself – and, therefore, to his human essence; that is to say, alien to the universal, collective, character of the human being, to his need for bonding, for creative activity, for knowledge, for self-consciousness and consciousness of his environment, as well as alien from his capacity to project himself into the future." (Species Being, Social Being and Class Consciousness).

More on Marx's theory of human nature, alienation, and commodification:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marx%27s_theory_of_human_nature

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marx%27s_theory_of_alienation

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commodity_fetishism

Social alienation runs deep throughout every facet of our society and who we are as a people and is described in-depth here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_alienation

                     Some of the Main Themes in Social Alienation are:

Powerlessness

"A person suffers from alienation in the form of 'powerlessness' when she is conscious of the gap between what she would like to do and what she feels capable of doing. Powerlessness, therefore, is the perception that the individual does not have the means to achieve his goals." (Wiki)

Meaninglessness

Not fully understanding the events one is engaged in. (wiki)

Normlessness

When there has been such a break down in society that there are no longer social norms regulating individual conduct or the social order is no longer effective as rules for behavior. (wiki)

Political alienation

Estrangement from, and a lack of engagement in, the political system. Workers experience a state of psychological disconnection from a policy. Relationships and connections that once existed, that is 'natural,' desirable, or good, has been lost. (wiki)

Social isolation

The feeling of being segregated from one’s community. With increased isolation and atomization, much of our daily interactions are with those who are strangers to us and with whom we lack any ongoing social relationships. (wiki)

Relationships

Having a lack of relationship/connection with ones parents or family. Not having a strong attachment-- the social and emotional process of bonding between child and caregiver. (wiki)

Self-estrangement

The psychological state of denying one’s own interests – of seeking out extrinsically satisfying, rather than intrinsically satisfying activities. It could be characterized as a feeling of having become a stranger to oneself, or to some parts of oneself, or alternatively as a problem of self-knowledge, or authenticity. (wiki)

One could see how alienation could be a large barrier to us attaining self-actualization seeing as the disconnect it causes us and impacts every facet of society.

Alienation also intersects with isolation. In addition, people isolate based on shame...and participate in negative coping skills in isolation and in shame based ways, such as binge eating alone or using substances alone.

So now that we understand some of the key elements of where we have gone wrong... how do we go right?

                                         How Do We Self-Actualize?

Once again to self-actualize would mean:

Making oneself realized.

Living up to your fullest potential and being the most you you can be.

Embracing yourself totally and completely.

Discovering and loving the real authentic you unconditionally.

Achieving the best of what you can be.

Striving to be self-fulfilled.

To become more of who you truly are.

In order to allow everyone the ability to self-actualize we are going to have to meet everyone's human needs-- basic and advanced.

You may think, but can't people just meet their own needs? Well, if they could don't you think they might have by now? Most people cannot meet all of their needs-- at least not on their own. We are mutually dependent and interdependent on each other. So that means we need to help others to get what they need in order to self-actualize.

This could include economic, political, cultural, and social aspects. Switching over to a democratic socialist system has long been my passion and solution for many of these things.

democratic socialism:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Democratic_socialism

                                      Fundamentally Changing Social Control

While focusing on an economic system is popular, and economic inequality one of the foremost barriers to self-actualization, I stress we must also take into consideration the social aspects, which I feel are often ignored.

When we work to transform society we have to look at how people are socialized from the very beginning of life. One of the main ways people are socialized is through social control.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_control

"The social values that are present in individuals are products of informal social control. It is exercised by a society without explicitly stating these rules and is expressed through customs, norms, and mores. Individuals are socialized whether consciously or subconsciously. During informal sanctions, ridicule or ostracism can cause a straying towards norms. The person internalizes these mores and norms. Traditional society uses mostly informal social control embedded in its customary culture relying on the socialization of its members.

Informal sanctions may include shame, ridicule, sarcasm, criticism and disapproval. In extreme cases sanctions may include social discrimination and exclusion. This implied social control usually has more effect on individuals because they become internalized and thus an aspect of personality. Informal sanctions check 'deviant' behavior." (wiki)

One of the main forms of social control is shame. We have to end the external and internal use of shame as a tool of control. These links describe what we need to dismantle:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame_society

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt_society

                        What It's Going To Take To Get Us Where We Need To Go:

We need to promote pro-social behaviors and to discourage anti-social behaviors.

"Prosocial behavior fosters positive traits that are beneficial for children and society. It may be motivated both by altruism and by self-interest, for reasons of immediate benefit or future reciprocity. " (Wiki)

"Encouraging prosocial behavior may also require decreasing or eliminating undesirable social behaviors." (Wiki)

"Feeling empathy towards the individual needing aid increases the likelihood that the aid will be given. This empathy is called 'empathetic concern' for the other individual, and is characterized by feelings of tenderness, compassion, and sympathy.

Agreeableness is thought to be the personality trait most associated with inherent prosocial motivation. Prosocial thoughts and feelings may be defined as a sense of responsibility for other individuals, and a higher likelihood of experiencing empathy ('other-oriented empathy') both affectively (emotionally) and cognitively. These prosocial thoughts and feelings correlate with dispositional empathy and dispositional agreeableness." (Wiki)

For more about pro-social behavior look here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosocial_behavior

Anti-social behavior on the other hand contrasts by being "behavior that lacks consideration for others and that may cause damage to society, whether intentionally or through negligence, as opposed to pro-social behavior, behavior that helps or benefits society." (Wiki).

It can include aggressive behavior, intimidation, bullying, verbal abuse, manipulation, and committing various crimes.

For more about anti-social behavior look here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-social_behaviour

In addition, we need to seek assertive communication over passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive types of communication. For a further explanation of what these are please look here:

http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/assertiveness.htm

Furthermore it helps to develop healthy boundaries:

"Those with healthy boundaries are firm but flexible. They give support and accept it. They respect their feelings, needs, opinions, and rights, and those of others, but are clear about their separateness. They are responsible for their own happiness and allow others to be responsible for their happiness. They are assertive and respectful of the rights of others to be assertive. They are able to negotiate and compromise, have empathy for others, are able to make mistakes without damaging their self-esteem, and have an internal sense of personal identity. They respect diversity. Those with healthy boundaries are comfortable with themselves, and make others comfortable around them.  They live in houses with fences and gates that  allow access only to those who respect their boundaries." (http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm)

                                            The Fully Functioning Person

Once we could reach a level of being able to achieve self-actualization we would have to push ourselves and our community beyond what we now think is possible. We need to become fully realized and fully functional as human beings.

According to psychologist Carl Rogers a fully functioning person is defined as having:

A growing openness to experience – they move away from defensiveness and have no need for subception (a perceptual defense that involves unconsciously applying strategies to prevent a troubling stimulus from entering consciousness).

An increasingly existential lifestyle – living each moment fully – not distorting the moment to fit personality or self concept but allowing personality and self concept to emanate from the experience. This results in excitement, daring, adaptability, tolerance, spontaneity, and a lack of rigidity and suggests a foundation of trust. "To open one's spirit to what is going on now, and discover in that present process whatever structure it appears to have.

Increasing organismic trust – they trust their own judgment and their ability to choose behavior that is appropriate for each moment. They do not rely on existing codes and social norms but trust that as they are open to experiences they will be able to trust their own sense of right and wrong.

Freedom of choice – not being shackled by the restrictions that influence an incongruent individual, they are able to make a wider range of choices more fluently. They believe that they play a role in determining their own behavior and so feel responsible for their own behavior.

Creativity – it follows that they will feel more free to be creative. They will also be more creative in the way they adapt to their own circumstances without feeling a need to conform.

Reliability and constructiveness – they can be trusted to act constructively. An individual who is open to all their needs will be able to maintain a balance between them. Even aggressive needs will be matched and balanced by intrinsic goodness in congruent individuals.

A rich full life – Rogers describes the life of the fully functioning individual as rich, full and exciting and suggests that they experience joy and pain, love and heartbreak, fear and courage more intensely. (wiki)

Rogers went on to say that the "process of the [consciously creating a] good life is not, he is convinced, a life for the faint-hearted. It involves the stretching and growing of becoming more and more of one's potentialities. It involves the courage to be. It means launching oneself fully into the stream of life. (Wiki)

How We Will Not Get There:

doing nothing

voting only

being cynical

being nihilistic

thinking it doesn't matter what we do

thinking too positively/negatively

going backwards

through force

through control/power/manipulation/coercion

top down/authoritarian

centralized

privatized

profit-based/motivated

focusing on individualism

What I feel We Need:

democratic socialism

radical participatory democracy

horizontal and non-hierarchical power structure

socialist feminist practice

dismantling the binary in all things (including gender) in favor of a more complex, fluid, and flexible conception.

sustainability

find out what truly motivates people and center social and working life around that.

put the means of productive into social and collective hands

break out of norms that are rigid and obsolete

dump externalized and internalized shame

sex positivity

paradigm shift

systematic, structural, and institutional transformation

create new dynamic communities

embrace pluralism

fully educate everyone in the mode of their choosing-- for free!

we can change the way things are through constructing a different reality consciously:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_constructionism

we need social change:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_change

through social movements:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_movement

embrace all emotions and express effectively and healthfully (assertively)

to strengthen our interpersonal relationships -- having authentic genuine relationships and connections with others.

dumping fakeness/superficiality

replace with realness.

                                         Vulnerability = Connection

In order to reach a place of vulnerability and connection we need to establish a society physically and emotionally safe enough to engage with each other and that does not shut us down and bring up our defenses. And once we can get there... individuals can get down to the process of self-actualization.

It will take a lot of collective work of our society, communities, and families to get there. I wanted to share with you every idea I have on this subject and yes, it has taken a long time to express it in all its glorious detail. However, if you took the time to read this I think you will learn a lot about human beings, the current society we live in, and how exactly we can move forward towards embracing our full humanity.

Yes, it will take a lot of work... to do what it is we need from bottom to top to transform this society into one that could fully support the realization of every human beings potential. But human beings are known for being industrious, resilient, and creative. So let us stop looking to the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy...and realize our collective strengths now to grow beyond our wildest dreams and imaginations. Together we can make it happen.

Positivity: The Gift That Keeps on Giving

               

People ask me how I stay so positive. Well, there are a lot of ways that I use that I would love to share with you. Feel free to use any of it to help yourself!

One reason I think is my personality. I am just a half glass full sort of person. I have a positive attitude about life naturally. Also I think it was the way I was raised. My Mom gave me a lot of self-esteem and encouraged my self-growth. She was a major force in my life, believed in me, and rooted for me—always my biggest fan. Surrounding yourself with positive people helps you to be positive too.

Also I took classes in high school that taught me about something called "self-talk." Self-talk is the constant and automatic chatter that goes on inside of our heads-- basically it's when we talk to ourselves but not out loud. For many of us negative thoughts come into our minds automatically—often times they are unrealistic and unreasonable thoughts. If we don't do work to replace those negative thoughts with more realistic thoughts and/or positive thoughts the negative thoughts can have a negative influence on us. They can not only make us feel bad but they could make us take negative actions and lead to negative patterns of behavior that hurt us and our relationships with other people. 

I learned early on in life to train my brain to automatically recognize and replace negative thoughts with more positive and often times more realistic thoughts—silencing the inner critic. We should be able to slow down our thinking process so we can purposefully examine our thoughts and be able to accurately access our feelings based on clear thinking. When we think reasonably and clearly we can come up with ways to solve our problems, come to acceptance of things we cannot change, and work to change our negative perceptions that are not rational. 

When I was working on my Masters in Social Work I learned about something called cognitive distortions, which is basically the fancy term for "negative self-talk." For more in-depth info on cognitive distortions and how to minimize them read here: http://helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm, here: http://cmhc.utexas.edu/stressrecess/Level_One/cd.html, and here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion. 

I also learned there is an entire branch of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which helps one learn how to manage their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I call the self-help work to recognize our negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts self CBT-- because it is like doing CBT on yourself. The process of changing ones negative thoughts consciously is called cognitive restructuring: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_restructuring. Here are some basic self-help guides to doing it: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-esteem/MH00129 and http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/positive-thinking/SR00009. 

For those with anxiety, borderline personality disorder, sexual abuse, and substance addiction a version of CBT that could be helpful is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy.

It takes time and practice to learn how to do apply cognitive restructuring. It may feel very strange at first but if a person keeps applying it eventually it works to bring comfort and peace to people. This is especially important for people who are impacted by stress, worry, and anxiety. I have told people about this technique and they look at me like I just spoke a foreign language to them. Yes, I admit it seems strange and counter intuitive-- maybe even artificial, but heck if it has any chance at working why not try it? Also it does not work overnight... like most things in life it takes concerted effort, practice, and time. It also helps if you believe it could work.

One must believe it is not a waste of time-- I know if you're used to negative thinking you would probably think it is realistic to think something like this won't work-- but you have to trust that it can and just try. Believe me, we often think we are being realistic but we are often seeing in black and white terms when life is more in shades of grey. In addition, the pessimist stays in inaction because they don't believe in their power to change the way they think, feel, behave, or make choices that will improve their life. They view life as something that just happens to them that they have no impact on—they may think they are doomed to live the life they live—they are cynical. But if you believe you have a choice-- choose optimism. 

I think that happiness and positivity is a choice. If we have a choice in life to be happy or be sad or laugh or cry or think negative or think positive, then let's try to choose to be how we want to be. So choose to focus on the positive and let the negative go. Yes, there is a time for sadness, disappointment, frustration, and yes, even anger. We should feel those emotions when they come and learn to express them in constructive ways, but also let them pass over us and be able to leave them behind. 

Those that live in the past are depressed. Those who live in the future are anxious. Those who live in the present are content. If we allow emotions to overwhelm us and wallow in them, they do not benefit us, they instead hinder us. The ability to bounce back from setbacks in our lives is called resiliency. Resiliency is a very important skill to develop. Being able to adapt in stressful situations gives one stability and hope. Learn more about building your resilience here: http://ucsfhr.ucsf.edu/index.php/assist/article/a-personal-strategy-for-engaging-and-building-your-resilience/.

Attitude is also very important. If we approach life with a positive attitude then we think on the bright side of things and no matter what obstacle or conflict we endure we know that things will work out eventually and that we are capable of handling it and then moving on. It is important that we see that outside forces do not control how we think, feel, or act-- we control those things. You must know that you can do things to make your life better by maintaining a positive attitude and making positive choices. You only have control over yourself so use that control and power to shape your own life choices and don't give power to others to hurt you continually. Use creative problem solving and use the power of positive thinking to empower yourself and not get caught up in negative thinking or actions that weigh you down and keep you from living your best life.

Most of life should be lived in the present moment in a stable and restful way-- this is called homeostasis. Sometimes when we are under stress our bodies will key us up to respond to the challenge we face, but we need to learn how to calm ourselves down and go back to normal mode. If we live in a heightened state of awareness much of our day we are going to be fatigued and frazzled. In that overwhelmed state we are less likely to be resilient, think clearly, or make good decisions. We need to learn relaxation techniques and coping skills to make it through hard times and chill out. 

One way to do that is to accept things we cannot change. Accept people we cannot change. Accept situations we cannot change. We need to learn how to let go and move on. It is easy to get stuck into patterns which only serve to disappoint and frustrate us further if we are not aware and do not notice the repeating patterns we get locked into. We must be conscious of how our actions impact us and be able to tell ourselves no. No, I will not get stuck in this. No, I will not worry. No, this person is not worth getting this upset about. Just let it go. 

Part of this process is to accept the unpredictability and mystery of life. We must accept that we do not know what the future holds but if we are strong in ourselves we should believe in our ability and capability to handle whatever comes our way. If we live in fear of the future we live anxious and miserable lives. We must tell ourselves "everything will be okay" because even if we are in the middle of a crisis, we need to know that eventually things do get better and we can move forward. In the long run things really do work out mostly because we are able to make it so they do. We have a lot of strengths we do not even recognize. That is why it is good to believe in yourself and your ability to cope and persevere through adversity—to have confidence in yourself. 

Some relaxation techniques one can use to calm down and cope include breathing, yoga, walking, writing, painting, or any activity one enjoys. One practice in particular that can help is called mindfulness. Mindfulness is being aware of the present moment, noticing your thoughts and feelings, and not allowing yourself to place judgment or blame on them. Mindfulness allows you to respond to thoughts and feelings appropriately through awareness but not to over-react to them. It can also help to clear the mind of constant self-talk and bring one into the present moment and focus. In addition, it can quiet and calm the mind and center oneself so one can focus on happiness and positive feelings. Some mindfulness exercises include: meditation and/or guided mediation, deep breathing, listening to music, observing ones thoughts, or journaling. An extensive guide to what mindfulness is and how to practice it is here: http://www.jimhopper.com/mindfulness/.

One way people get tripped up is getting too personally involved in situations and taking things said to them or done to them in such a personal way they become debilitated by others. Allowing oneself to do this is like giving away ones power. It is important to learn not to take what others do so harshly that it ruins you. That is why the saying "forgive and forget" exists. It is not for the other person-- it's for you. 

Forgiving allows you to let go of the anger, bitterness, and pain, and forgetting allows you to put it in the past and move on. Another thing is if you have confidence in yourself then you can tell yourself, "hey, I didn't deserve that but I am not going to let that person get to me. It's too bad for them they have some issue. I'm going to move on and find someone who deserves my attention." Or if it's just some opinion someone has you can say "Well, that's their opinion, I can consider it but it's not an end all be all, and I can always agree to disagree." Getting very upset over what others say is a sure fire way to hurt you and/or your relationship. If it is abusive then by all means confront the person and tell them that what they said hurt you. But otherwise it is best to hear what they have to say and if it applies to you use it and if it doesn't leave it. When you can validate yourself and have self-assuredness you don't beat yourself up thinking there is something wrong with you and you don't get defensive when someone says something you don't like. 

In addition, it helps if we recognize our own values and expectations. If we value something and others don't we tend to get disappointed. But we should expect that not everyone thinks like we do and not everyone has the same values or expectations. We must accept that not everyone is on the same page we are on. It does not have to be seen as a negative-- we should just see it for what it is-- it is what it is. We need to focus instead on finding people who do share our values and those we do click with. If we run into people who don't, what is the point of getting in a tizzy about it? Release them and go find someone who you do have a connection with. Or agree to disagree. Getting so upset that we want to rage at them, get revenge, or retaliate only hurts us and it will rarely teach them anything—they will probably come away thinking there is something wrong with you and that is all. There are healthier ways to express ourselves. If we get upset over people not fitting what we are looking for all the time who do we hurt? Only ourselves. Those people move on...why shouldn't you? If we want to be happy, it's a choice.

Other things I do to maintain as much positivity as possible include:

Creating a support system/network --friends, family, etc.

Doing activities/hobbies outside the house that I enjoy.

Getting exercise-- hiking, swimming, walking, doing chores, etc.

Volunteering and helping others.

Try not to judge or blame others or myself. 

Rescuing animals.

Patting myself on the back/appreciating myself/celebrating my accomplishments big and small.

Trying to not be passive or aggressive-- being assertive!

Set limits and boundaries.

Take care of myself. Self-care is important to maintaining sanity in a sometimes insane world.

Do things I am passionate about.

Trying not to worry what others think about me. Trying to drop self-consciousness and live for me with no apologies! 

Ask for what I want, need, and deserve. Be willing to ask for help and support when I need it. 

Get copious amounts of affection. Give copious amounts of affection. 

Encourage others and get encouragement.

Standing in my truth. Tell others the truth and be willing to confront others.

Being real is more important than being nice. However, one can be compassionate and empathetic while speaking the truth.

Respecting others self-determination even if they make choices I would not make.

Respecting my own time and energy —try not over-extend myself. 

Learn the art of patience. 

Trying not to be too hard on myself/perfectionist/beat myself up. Be compassionate-- towards myself!

Learn to effectively problem solve.

Learn to take responsibility for my own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Learn to manage and regulate them effectively.

Don't rely on others to make me happy.

Play with, take care of, and pet my animals. 

Love, embrace, and accept myself the way I am at any given moment-- everyone has insecurities, but we should focus on our positives and learn to love ourselves despite of our faults and flaws... and maybe learn to love them too! Remember no one is perfect-- so I try to be perfectly imperfect! ;)

Try not to compare myself to others.

Take risks! Open myself up to vulnerability!

Try, try, and try again. There is only one way to fail-- not to try. When we try we will always gain something-- even if it is learning what not to do. If we don't try, we doom ourselves. Be the "little engine that could" and will yourself to try!

Know my own self-worth.

Be my own best friend.

Build and develop my skills, talents, and creative abilities. 

Put positive intentions into the world. 

Create goals and accomplish them one step at a time. Do not rush it. Success is a journey, not a destination.

Get enough sleep.

Participate in social activism, grassroots organizing, and/or advocating for a cause.

Don’t try to change people—people need to change themselves if they want to. Support them, don’t push them. 

Give back to your community. 

Write, journal, and/or blog.

Know I deserve to be treated well-- don't put up with mistreatment. Acknowledge deal breakers and be willing to move on.

Be willing to compromise. Learn to adapt and be flexible.

Learn to communicate effectively.

Every day is a new day-- and a new opportunity-- just because something happened before doesn't mean it will happen again. Notice patterns and work to change them... start with putting positive thoughts and intentions out into the world. 

Do not seek revenge-- revenge only serves to hurt one more. Learn to let it go for one’s own sake.

Embrace paradoxes, conflicting ideas, contradictions, cognitive dissonance, and the grey of life. Try not to get caught in false dichotomies or false dilemmas. 

Take responsibility for my own actions and own my own BS. Don’t get caught up in self-defense mechanisms.

Laugh—develop a healthy sense of humor.

Others cannot complete me, solve my problems, make me fulfilled and whole—only I can do that. Others can only be our partners in the journey.

Learn how to soothe myself and calm myself down. Find whatever works for me and use it!

Do not assume because something seems impossible to obtain that it is. Don’t criticize your dreams as unobtainable…. Instead keep trying and embrace the journey. Do not get too tied into outcomes… keep searching and believing that someday it will work the way it is meant to.  

Try not to get caught up in self-fulfilling prophecies—allowing my fears, negative thoughts, and false predictions become my reality. Try not to fortune tell – have rigid expectations for how things will turn out before they happen. Be open-minded. 

Make an impact, leave my mark, think about the legacy I want to leave behind. 

Eat healthy as possible but indulge sometimes. Try not to beat oneself up for eating unhealthy. Enjoy all foods in moderation. 

Try not to act on defense. Disarm people with humor, empathy, and understanding. Seek to problem solve with others and agree to disagree. 

Create my life consciously-- manifest my own destiny.

Believe in whimsy and that things happening for a reason. Believe in karma. But don't believe in it on faith alone—believe in it because I have seen it work in action. Use that belief to help me trust that things will work out and when one door closes another will open.

Sometimes we must let go of the ideal version of the life we think we deserve, and instead embrace the life we can create realistically one step at a time. 

Practice some creative expression—make art, paint, create jewelry, knit, write poetry, play music/sing, draw etc.

Notice patterns in my life and try not to repeat them. Learn from my mistakes. 

Be hopeful and grateful.

Don’t pretend I know it all. Admit when I am wrong or make a mistake. Take responsibility for my own actions. 

Be self-reflexive and willing to learn from mistakes in order to grow.

Be real, authentic, genuine, and honest.

Be generous, compassionate, kind, empathetic and giving -- help and understand others!

Take responsibility for my own happiness.

Have strong values, morals, principles, and ethics-- as a Secular Humanist (or whatever one chooses to live by)

Don't try to rescue other people. They must rescue themselves, and you must rescue yourself. 

Get out in nature/travel.

Try to have good time management skills. 

Cook/bake.

Balance work/play.

Life is what you make it.

Vicktor Frankl, psychiatrist and holocaust survivor: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." ~Helen Keller

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure." ~ Bill Cosby

 

I’ve been told before in response to my positive thinking— “easier said than done.” No one said it would be easy, but what is the alternative? Being miserable? I think it’s worth it to try to be positive. Being pessimistic means you think there is no point in even trying and that is a sure fire way to fail. Working hard to be positive and take risks in life allows one to truly live and live a happier life. Positive attitude and positive choices gets one a long way.... We can only manage ourselves so let's use what power we do have for good. 

 

At the end of the day totally stress free is a misnomer, but learning to manage stress and contain it helps one live a more productive life that is filled with well-being and the space to create a happy life. While it is impossible to eliminate worry, doubts, judgments, blame, and negative thoughts, we can learn to minimize them and focus our minds on things that will help us instead of hurt us. Don’t let the past shape your future—every moment is an opportunity to turn things around— if only in your own mind.

So don't worry, be happy! Hakuna matata (there are no worries in Swahili)! Remember to live in the present moment and to live each second with good intensions, abundance, total abandonment, and joy for embracing life. Look at every opportunity to become a better person and be more positive. Everyone is capable of learning how and the practice and process of it is never ending, but the rewards are endless too. No one said life was easy-- being happy is work but it's work worth doing. If you feed the negativity that is what will run your life. Choose to feed the positive and become more emotionally liberated.