Getting Out of the Well of Loneliness

Lately I have been thinking a lot about loneliness. I suppose because about a year ago I lost a few friends and clarity came into my life. I became more clear about who I wanted in my life, and who I didn't. I am 31 years old now and I am ready for mature friendships. No longer am I willing to accept immature friendships that do not meet my needs. I need friends who will be honest, genuine, authentic, real, loyal, committed, flexible, understanding, empathetic, compassionate, are open-minded, have good self-esteem, have good emotional boundaries, and have the ability to be fun, serious, and supportive when it is needed. These qualities are so important yet so rare at the same time, especially in one person. It makes it more challenging to find and make new connections.


In addition, I have noticed how hard it is to make friends now that I am no longer in school. It's as if everyone has already made all the friends they need, want, or desire and they have no more room in their life for anyone else. I crave friends because I am human but beyond that because I am an extrovert and strive on social connections. Sadly it seems incredibly hard to find the kind of friends I am looking for.

So lately I have spent a lot more time with my partner, her family, and my own family. I also have been trying to get back in touch with old friends and rekindle those friendships. But everyone seems busy. People tell me, "let's hang out," but actually getting together proves difficult.

There is evidence that social isolation is psychologically and physically stressing to the human being. As human beings we are social animals by design, so we need each other. Without each other we face alienation, separation, and stress. When I think about this I always think about the movie, Castaway with Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks plays a FedEx worker who gets "castaway" to a deserted tropical island when a plane he is on crashes. He spends the next four years on the island, all alone. Not far into his stay he creates a faux friend, a soccer ball he names "Wilson" after the brand of the ball. He paints a face on the ball and often has conversations with it as if it is a real person. Of course the ball doesn't talk back, but it provides social comfort to the Tom Hanks character when he needs to feel like someone is listening. When he decides to try and escape from the island he ends up accidentally losing his friend, who drifts away in the ocean current. He tries to get him back but realizes it is useless, and he would die if he kept after him. He cries and screams in emotional pain of losing his one and only friend. This just shows the psychological and emotional bond that was created between him and the ball... even an imaginary friend became almost like his lifeline..and made him sane in an insane situation. This is a powerful example to me of our need for social companionship.

So since I lack a lot of friends right now, it has become even more important for me to spend time with my partner. I have always been the "clingy type." I am emotionally needy and like closeness by my nature. I have noticed that when I am left alone for more than five hours I tend to get really lonely and start to really miss social interaction of some kind. I also love affection and if I go without affection for too long I also notice the negative impact.

Sometimes my partner complains about my emotional neediness, but there isn't much I can do about it, this is just the way I am. My mother says since I was a young child I would follow her around the house asking for a hug. When I had more friends I think it helped fill my need. But now that I am down friends I want to spend even more time with her and if she goes out with her friends, I always ask that she limit the time to no more than five hours. I feel five hours is a decent amount of time but sometimes she complains that I am being her "mother" and being too "controlling."

I tell her that just like any relationship, we need to just compromise. I told her maybe she can spend less time with her friends more times a week, that way it is spread out. But she has a hard time getting out to see friends so when she does she wants to spend all day with them. It complicates things for me. I do give her space. When we're home together she is often playing computer games or reading. I have discovered I like my own space too.. to watch TV, go on the Internet, read, write, reflect, or think. I think accepting some degree of loneliness and embracing it for my own good, is something I have come to appreciate. But I also enjoy the company of others, particularly my partner.

The most enjoyable times we spend are going out to dinner and chatting together. But we can't afford to do that every night. We have to come up with more things we like to do together. This is challenging. We like different forms of entertainment and that is a barrier. She has been having some health issues lately too which keep her from wanting to be active. What does one do when the relationship they turn to for social connection, is the exact thing that stresses them out? This is sometimes true for both my partner and I at the same time.

I have no one to really talk to about things outside of my partner, besides, maybe a couple of friends on the Internet, a few older friends when we get together, and my mother. I try to have a three rule. When I'm upset or need to process something, I try to talk to three people to vent. It is SO helpful. But I don't always find three people when I need to.

I saw this article from the New York Times about people over thirty having a hard time making friends: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?pagewanted=all. The article's central thesis seems to be saying once you're over thirty you have a partner and children, and then your life is over. Haha... I mean you no longer have time for friends. Between your partner, your kids, and your job, your life is jam-packed. Well, I have a partner, a part time job, and no children, unless you count my four furry-children, the kitties. So I DO have free time..the issue is finding others with free time who want to spend it with me.

As time and experience has shown me, not everyone wants to be my friend. And not everyone would make a good friend for me. I am a very straight-forward person. I am very caring, but also I believe in honesty and insight, in order to help another's self growth. I want that in return too. I need confident people in my life who have good self-esteem and do not take things too personally. Otherwise, I run into people who take what I say and think I am insulting and domineering. Truth-telling sometimes brings discomfort, but it is still needed and very important. I don't intend to slap people in the face with truth, but sometimes the truth does sting no matter how much one tries to soften the blow. I have found our American culture tends to ingrain fakeness, superficiality, and niceness above all else. I think that's a major problem.

I was raised by my strong Italian mother and our culture is very tell-it-like-it-is, and loud and proud too! So I suppose super sensitive types wouldn't get along with me. That's another part of our American culture-- super sensitive people. Sadly, many suffer from a lack of self-esteem and if someone says something about them they automatically go into defense mechanism mode, instead of hearing out opinions of others without accepting the opinions as fact.

Mindfulness is sorely lacking in Western culture. Mindfulness is something I try to practice. It is challenging but it becomes easier the more one practices it. Mindfulness requires examining feelings and thoughts as an objective observer and being able to non-judgmentally access the best way to proceed, instead of jumping from feelings, thoughts, and then actions in rapid succession. Mindfulness can help us slow the process down and not allow feelings and thoughts to control us in a negative way with doubts and insecurities motivating us, evaluating our every move. Mindfulness gives us more freedom, openness, and brings more calmness and assurance. It let's us know that we are capable of solving our own problems and thus there is no need to panic or get too upset. Mindfulness allows me to set emotional boundaries and agree to disagree with someone without any hard feelings. Mindfulness is also good for gaining perspective, choosing a different way of looking at or reacting to a situation, detaching, in noticing everything around us and appreciating it, being purposeful, to ground one, to help one make better decisions, and to attune to the now and the present moment. It would be nice to find more folks who practice mindfulness too.

I've been told before that I am "more evolved" than most people. Although that is a nice compliment, I suppose, as it shows my hard work to become more self-aware and grow, it also says two things.
One thing it could say is that most people just aren't as capable as I am of reaching such a level of consciousness. My partner has reminded me many a time that she believes my standards and expectations of others are too high. I believe that people are just capable of a lot more than they often even believe they are capable of. It's part of my overall attitude and personality to believe in others and encourage and inspire them to reach for their fullest potential and to expect nothing less from themselves. Although I try to adjust my expectations to be a tad more realistic, I can't bring myself to stop believing in others. I just have to learn how to deal with my own disappointment when others don't live up to their own capabilities-- and detach as much as possible. I know it's up to them, and that I have no control over that, and they will also deal with the consequences of their own actions. I always try to remind myself that some people have to learn the hard way and also that some people have different values than I do. So I try to not be attached as much to outcomes, but it can be difficult if I am emotionally involved.

I really think that everyone has the potential to become as "evolved" as I am. I am not special... The only thing I can think is my personality and lack of trauma history helps me to have more of a sunny disposition. I understand that if someone starts off depressed it's harder for them to be positive. But even the most depressed person has a chance to recover. People just need the opportunity to learn and grow. I try to encourage that in others as I love to share knowledge and support people in their journey to more self awareness, better choices, and greater overall well being. I think everyone deserves that!

Furthermore, being "more evolved" than most people may mean less people who "get" me. That increases my feelings of loneliness.... both figuratively and literally, as I feel like less people can relate to me and I feel like I cannot find people to relate to. That feeling really sucks. However, I try to remind myself that it may be hard to find people I truly connect with but the effort to find them is worth it. Fostering those connections, feeding them, and putting in the work to help them grow is what makes a garden of connections bloom. I have 600 facebook friends but I am not sure how many real life friends I have. Maybe a handful, if that.

One of the friends I lost about a year ago was my "best" friend. This was someone I turned to for advice, as a sounding board, for support, for a good time, to give support to, to enjoy activities together, etc. Now I don't have someone who I feel that close to and could hang out and talk with weekly, besides my partner. It's been hard to cope with that. I have taken the opportunity to work more on myself and to also try to reconnect with people in my life.

I have grown closer to family, to my partner, and to a few friends. I feel like it's still a journey of putting myself out there and trying to forge the close connections I need in my life. Finding balance between work, home, family, and friends is my goal. Everyday I feel a little closer to accomplishing that goal. It is slow but progress is being made.

Furthermore, I take pride in learning how to embrace whatever challenges the universe throws my way. I find the more I resist the idea of being lonely, the more lonely I feel. Embracing loneliness has allowed me to create space to invite new prospects, activities, adventures, and people into my life. Instead of spending time with a friend, I might go out to dinner with my mother, or write a blog, for instance. This way it is not so much an absence or void of something but a direct intention of filling my life with abundance. I try to consciously bring in other ways of connecting with myself and others. And so far I feel I am on my way to creating the life I need, want, and desire.

In addition, we plan to move into a new and larger space, as we have outgrown our one bedroom apartment and it's time to move on. Within our search for a new home, we are going to ensure we can get a dog. I feel a dog will help me to feel less lonely and will help me feel companionship I crave. I am looking forward soon to having more quality folks in my life who meet my needs and whose needs I meet. And a little doggy to cuddle and care for. I can feel my well being increasing already. :)

On Patriarchy, Hierarchies, and Capitalist Oppression

My Dad recommended that I read a piece in Alternet by Joan Walsh called The Root of the Conservative War on Contraception Comes From a Deep-seated Anxiety.

Here it is:

http://www.alternet.org/electio/1548/the_root_of_the_conservative_war_on_contraception_comes_from_a_deep-seated_anxiety/

So I read it.

Its central premise seems to be the war on women is being waged by Republicans to put women back in their place and give men back their power, control, and authority which they are losing.

While I think she brings up some good points I don't think she goes far enough in her analysis...

So here goes mine:

I have studied this whole power and control over women's bodies thing. This is how I think about it... society has women thinking... I gotta be thin, I gotta look a certain way, I gotta buy name brands, I gotta wear makeup, I gotta have lighter skin or darker skin (depends on how light or dark yours skin is.. too light or too dark is considered undesirable), I gotta have big boobs, I gotta have less hair on my body, I gotta live up to all these expectations. The list goes on forever... of the socio-cultural expectations of appearance of people in order to fit standards of beauty and desirability-- and be desirable to men for the most part (or so women are told). They are very unrealistic and unreasonable, and quite unattainable, but that's the point. As women struggle for perfection, these socially-cultutally constructed ridiculous standards, they are bound up and trapped.

If a woman is all wrapped up in shame and trying, yet failing, at gaining control (even over her own life) and trying to get power... but never being able to reach it, this process keeps her inextricably locked into the oppressive system. Its a false paradigm, yet it is reinforced everywhere we turn. These harmful social constructions are often internalized as well so women carry them with them and struggle internally to strive to reach something impossible to reach.

Because she is made to feel insecure and like there is something wrong with her constantly and she can never be good enough... she invests time, energy, and money in trying to "fix" herself and doing whatever she's gotta do to make herself feel better and be externally validated because she cannot be internally valued.

At the same time the industries that count on her feeling insecure and having low self image such as the fitness, fashion, magazines, beauty, makeup, plastic surgery, pharmaceutical, etc. industries are rolling in the cash. They got her right where they want her-- she is an insecure mess who is easily controlled and manipulated. She is at the mercy of what society tells her she ought to be..and she always fall short. That's a great place to put people if you want them to never rebel.

Because the more shame and less empowered people feel the less likely they are to think enough of themselves to want a better life, better society, and better world. They don't feel they deserve it or are worthy of it or can even do it if they were-- they feel helpless, hopeless, incapable, and lack agency, self-activation, or efficacy. This means they are less likely to overthrow the hegemony that controls their lives. The system is built the way it is on purpose-- to lock people into it.

In addition, if a woman's body is controlled in any way this can further strip her of her power. This falls right in line with taking away her reproductive choice so she is forced to bend to the will of men. This props up the patriarchal system-- one that keeps men in power and in control over women.

I also have a theory on strict gender construction and patriarchy and why they exist. Men control women, some men control other men, and everyone is controlled by the system that keeps them shamed, alienated, exploited, oppressed, unequal, unconscious, and dis-empowered. This works out pretty well for capitalism.

Joan Walsh's piece limits the problem to the Republican's attempt at getting men back in power. Whereas the problem goes far beyond that.

For example there is a social justice organization in the SF Bay Area called Generation Five. Their purpose is to end child sexual abuse in five generations. You might wonder, what does sexual abuse have to do with this topic? Well, sexual abuse is just one manifestation of the hierarchical system we operate under in America and it has major consequences similar to those oppressing women. In fact, many of these consequences intersect as women have the highest rate of sexual abuse or sexual assault-- 1 in 3 females.

From Generation Five:

"We are living in a broader social context that teaches power-over relations, private ownership (parents/family) of children, a dismissal of children's accounts (legal), mixed messages and little education about human sexuality (it is bad, shame based, and it is used to sell us everything from cars to deodorant), and the ongoing mixing of sex and violence. We are not taught to address pain and trauma deeply, but rather mask symptoms or blame the individual for their distress. Child sexual abuse is about having power over another person and using that power sexually. The norms that allow for this behavior are sadly, ever-present in our society."

"Generation FIVE is unique amongst national anti-violence organizations in recognizing that our goal of ending child sexual abuse cannot be realized while other systems of oppression are allowed to continue. In fact, systems of oppression and child sexual abuse have an interdependent relationship: a power-over system that benefits some at the expense of others and uses violence, creates the conditions for child sexual abuse (i.e. gender inequality, class exploitation, racism, violence and threat for difference), while in turn the prevalence of child sexual abuse fosters behaviors (obedience to authority, silence, disempowerment, shame) that prevent people from organizing effectively to work for liberation, healing and change systemic forms of violence."

In fact, recently it has been discovered that lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) youth are at an increased risk of abuse, including sexual abuse, and thus an increased risk of developing post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which has major impacts on both physical and psychological well being of folks for life. More on the study here:

http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/press-releases/2010-releases/gay-men-and-lesbians-violent-events-and-subsequent-ptsd.html

The only reason? Difference. Those who show difference from the socially and culturally constructed "norm" become a target. Either because someone is trying to force them to stop being different, or taking advantage of their perceived vulnerable position in our society.

Why?

I definitely think it is related to hierarchies. Hierarchies set up a system of those superior and inferior.... and that is created on purpose... because it is benefiting a system.... capitalism, racism, homophobia, patriarchy, etc. and those that perpetuate it in order to amass power and wealth through control. Not to mention how social control is used in all ways to do so, race comes to mind as one of the most pervasive next to sex/gender. Often these complex identities intersect and compound the oppression people face who have multiple identities.

Once these paradigms are put into society they are self-perpetuating and prey on human beings who then prey on other human beings. People in our society are so emotionally raw and stressed out from our capitalist system that they fall into these traps quite easily. People have to get their needs met one way or another... and when they cannot get them met healthfully and prosocially-- they will get them met in unhealthy and maladaptive ways.

As these systems work themselves into our everyday behavior, those powerless want power, those without control, want control, and those abused, often abuse. It is a system of maladaptive behaviors and people struggling to gain control in a stressed out world where they have very little options for connection or self-fulfillment.

Once abused, people have a very hard time getting what they need to heal from their trauma. In fact, I would propose almost all people have been traumatized in one way or another and did not get the help they needed. Our system is set up to keep people traumatized and take away their agency and self-determination. Once again, it is based on a hierarchical system that reinforces powerlessness and shame.

Furthermore, while women are more oppressed than men in our society, we should not forget that men are also oppressed. Men are told in our society they cannot be "weak" and thus cannot show any emotion other than anger or violence. Men are constantly policed by each other and if they do show emotion they are shamed and told they are not a man. If a man is gay, he is judged by society as weak and like a "woman" since our society sees women as weak and inferior. This is the system of patriarchy as it works to oppress men.

In fact, in that same study about abuse of LGBT children, gay boys were more likely to experience abuse. In our society it is much less acceptable for men to go outside of the society's imposed strict gender roles reinforced by the binary social construction of gender. These messages are also internalized and then perpetuated. These hierarchical systems work among men with each other who use a "one-up" mentality to display hypermasculinity in a game of domination as well as working internally to keep men locked in negative patterns. Yet at the same time this process works to keep men bound up in shame and insecurity it is working the same way that women's oppression works-- to maintain capitalist control and power.

So while Joan Walsh limits her analysis to Republicans.. the truth is the capitalist system perpetuates oppression and Democrats in their support of capitalism also prop up this system of exploitation. In addition, Democrats have supported measures that reduced women's reproductive rights and choice... the Hyde Amendment, is one of them. The Hyde Amendment makes it so the federal government does not have to cover poor women's abortions. In fact, no federal money is spent on abortions in the United States.

Poor women are in the worst place to have children as they cannot afford them and thus cannot properly take care of them. Poor women have often been traumatized and when forced to bring unwanted pregnancies to term have children they often cannot raise effectively. This leads to further traumatization of children, who often end up in the child welfare system, where they can become further traumatized. This also costs a lot of money and burdens our society when the cycle of abuse repeats itself. Whereas, if the government would have helped the woman in the first place and empowered her to make her own reproductive choices, it could have all been prevented.

In addition, Democrats help support banning "partial birth abortion" (dilation and extraction) which was only being used if the women's life was in danger. There have been other measures that chip away at abortion rights that Democrats have supported. Also there are measures that Democrats supported that hurt women, children, and families-- such as welfare reform. As long as Democrats support the capitalist system they are supporting hierarchies and patriarchal oppression that will continue to subjugate women...men...and children.

True liberation comes when we rid ourselves of hierarchies, whether they be in our families, between men and women, between gays and straights, between different races, between adults and children, or between us and our government or us and our work places. If we want to end these problems we have to go after what conditions create them-- to the root causes. That is why we have to end the capitalist system.

We need to end the system of power that seeks domination and instead choose to seek mutual and shared power among all people-- and thus create healthy social, cultural, economic, and political relationships. We need nothing less than a transformative process. The change we need requires much more than merely empowering women....the future we need is socialist.

What Mothers Truly Deserve for Mothers Day

In no particular order and not a full list by any means..... but here goes:

To love herself unconditionally.

To feel full of self confidence.

To have a healthy and positive body image.

To have a sex positive society that allows her to explore her sexuality and be free to express herself sexually without shame and with protection of her health.

If she has a partner that they help her do chores, cook, clean, run errands, and take care of their children.

Access to affordable organic non-gmo free range non-factory farmed cruelty-free chemical-free food.

Access to the time and safe space to exercise and cook and eat slow, healthy, and nutritious meals.


To have a society that helps her raise her children.

To have her government give her child free childcare, healthcare, education (through college), and counseling.

To be able to work a meaningful job where she owns the means of production and collectively benefits from work she produces.

To have enough time to spend with their children, partner, and with herself.

To be able to express healthfully and assertively all her emotions, feelings, and thoughts.

To be actively listened to, validated, and supported by others.

To have friends, social connections, and a rich network of community networks.

To have free access to comprehensive reproductive rights and services, including free birth control and on demand abortion.

Equal pay to men.

Pass the equal rights amendment.

Access to free health care, education, parenting classes, support groups, and counseling for themselves.

Guaranteed income, and all basic needs met-- food, clothing, shelter.

A living wage, benefits, and a good amount of paid vacation and parental leave time.

To live in a society free of poverty, exploitation, oppression, sexism, patriarchy, racism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, heterosexism, heteropatriarchy, ableism, sizesm, ageism, xenophobia, prejudice, or discrimination.

To have self-determination, self-worth, dignity, liberty, agency, self-activation, self-actualization, and the ability to reach her highest potential.

To marry or not and still receive the same benefits and protections regardless.

Access to social security and full pension retirement at age 55.

Support in care taking for elderly parents.

The right to die with dignity and in the manner of ones choosing.

To determine what she does with her own life and body without criminalization.

For the government to give children's allowances to help support in the raising of children.

The ratification of The Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW) and any and all human rights conventions and laws that protect women and children.

A life free from violence and abuse in any form.

The end of foreign wars, the drug war, imperialism, and capitalism.

Full, complete, and utter liberation.

Now that would be one. happy. mothers. day.

Why Capitalism Does Not Work

This will be a very succinct list. Much more in-depth study would be needed in order to understand and verify the following assertions I am making.....Here goes:

It produces economic, political, and social inequality—in order for one to gain, another must lose.

Inherently exploitative—creates wage slaves, steals labor value, and often pays CEOs 500 times the lowest paid worker.

It oppresses people and will use any ism to further oppress people to create wealth for the few.

Has an insatiable appetite that can never be satisfied to gain more wealth and power… and will use any means necessary to fill it—including cutting jobs and moving overseas, human rights violations, cutting wages and benefits, laying people off at will, destroying the environment, putting human lives at risk, and perpetuating war and imperialism around the world.

It alienates us from our work, from ourselves, and from each other.

It is based on accumulation of wealth.

It is based on competition instead of cooperation.

It puts profit over human needs.

It perverts the system by making everything based on and motivated by profit. For example healthcare… the health insurance companies make A LOT of money off of other people’s misery and suffering, instead of the system being based on quality care and access guaranteed to all regardless of income.This system creates a conflict of interest..and allows for too much risk of abuse.

It does not have internal controls and accountability measures.

It is not based on ethics or values of uplifting all of humanity.

It corrupts absolutely and invades every aspect of life.

It is hierarchical—the owners of the means of production have all the power, make all the major decisions, and reap the vast majority of profit regardless of how hard the workers work. It also sets up a political, economic, and social system that is undemocratic.

*The system we currently have in the United States is is a plutarchy which is a combination of a plutocracy and an oligarchy. A plutocracy is rule by the rich and powerful and an oligarcy is rule by a few powerful people. It also has set up a system in which money is free speech (this was thanks to a U.S. Supreme Court decisions so they are obviously not partial either) and corporations and rich people can donate with no limits to political campaigns and influence candidates anyway they want. This is undemocratic as our interests are barely represented. Only rich candidates who take corporate money can be elected to high office.

Basic facts on economic inequality today brought to you via capitalism:

http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/02/income-inequality-in-america-chart-graph


Must-watch documentary that explains why capitalism is inherently flawed:

http://www.thecorporation.com/index.cfm?page_id=46

Cute short film about mice and cats that sums up why capitalism does not work:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqpFm7zAK90&feature=share

Fully Realizing Human Potential

I have lately wondered more and more: is there more to life than this? Does it get better?

How can I raise the bar and push myself to reach a higher level? How can I become a more fully realized human being?

So this questioning has lead me to  higher consciousness and how we as a society and humanity can reach for it together.

We are told more and more often lately that we need to cut back and to start living to survive. With nearly 1 in 5 people on struggling to meet basic needs in America, 1 in 7 on food stamps, and more and more people slipping below the poverty line every day, people are working hard just to stay afloat.

For example look here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/28/afford-food-hunger_n_1308020.html

Our society is susceptible to a cynical and negative attitude. As someone who believes in hope and resiliency, I reject the tendency to close ourselves off and shut ourselves down from connecting more with ourselves or others. Or to search for other possibilities or ways of being. We have to start to think beyond meeting just our basic needs.

There is a concept known as Maslow's Hierachy of Needs which I feel describes this situation perfectly. Maslow, a psychologist, described this in the form of a pyramid with lower level basic needs at the bottom (food, clothing, shelter) and self-actualization at the top.

Maslow described self-actualization as "the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming." Basically to become more of ourselves and what we are truly meant to be given the conditions necessary to get there.

Right now many of us have less and less of what we need to even fulfill Maslow's basic levels of human functioning and survival. Maslow says until we all have every need met, we cannot start looking at how to self-actualize. Yet I think we need to start at least thinking about it, now, and working towards consciously making it a reality in our everyday lives.

More about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

Maslow describes the hierarchy as the following:

"Maslow's hierarchy of needs begins with the most basic necessities deemed 'the physiological needs' in which the individual will seek out items like food and water, and must be able to perform basic functions such as breathing and sleeping. Once these needs have been met, a person can move on to fulfilling 'the safety needs,' where they will attempt to obtain a sense of security, physical comforts and shelter, employment, and property. The next level is 'the belongingness and love needs,' where people will strive for social acceptance, affiliations, a sense of belongingness and being welcome, sexual intimacy, and perhaps a family. Next are 'the esteem needs,' where the individual will desire a sense of competence, recognition of achievement by peers, and respect from others." (Wiki).

The last step is self-actualization.

Here is more info about it:

self-actualization:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-actualization

how to self-actualize:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvySe_GFwE4

characteristics of self-actualization:

http://www.tribalmessenger.org/headlines/maslow-self-actualized-traits.htm

longer video about maslow's hierachy of needs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yM8SwZkvCIY

As a person I have pretty much grown in my thinking far beyond the lower levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I am interested in the following:

liberation, transformation, transcending our former selves, raising-consciousness, living with intent, meaningful life and work, ability to fully be realized, reaching ones potential, purusing passion, agency, fully realizing compassion, genuine, real, and authentic connection with self and others (emotional intimacy), being fully present, active liberty, personal and self growth, higher consciousness, enlightenment, interconnectedness, social relationship focus, humanism, human expression, creativity, caring for one another, enhancing quality of life, and living a purposeful life.

I find that I am part of these movements:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_development

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_Potential_Movement

To me we need to first admit that we need and deserve far more beyond the basics of life. We also need more than material things, wealth, power, privilege, control, dominance, and even more than basic self-esteem or accomplishments such as an advanced degree or career, relationship, or family.
                                                      
                                           Where We Have Gone Wrong

Right now we are consumed with many unconscious patterns driving us in destructive ways. Many of us operate on internalized toxic shame, control, dominance, power over others, defenses, and negative coping skills we use to try and feed us (substances, food, sex, etc.) instead of operating in ways that connect us to each other as human beings. This may be in part be because we do not get our meets met fully and so we maladapt. A lot of the time it is also because of trauma in early childhood-- abuse we encounter.

                                               Reconnecting with Human Needs

In order to heal we need to reconnect with what it is we truly need-- one of those main things being other people.

Human needs thrive on social connection. We need to attune to each other. This includes empathy, trust, effective and healthy authentic communication, and compassion.

For more on this I recommend these videos featuring Dr. Brene Brown, University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, and lead researcher in the field of shame studies:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjFfKkjKdUU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0

                                                What Marx Said
Something else that would help in our understanding is the concept of alienation. The sociologist, Karl Marx long ago spoke of how we are alienated from each other. Unfortunately this still rings true today. We are alienated from our work, from ourselves, and each other. He spoke to something called "species being" which Marx felt was as close to human nature as we have. He felt that in our socio-cultural interactions with one another we could create authentic human bonds and growth. However, he saw that private profit, commodification, and objectification got in the way.

This is what Marx felt causes alienation and thus the loss of species being. Marx felt that "capitalist mode of production renders the product of production alien to the person who has produced it, thus making man alien to himself – and, therefore, to his human essence; that is to say, alien to the universal, collective, character of the human being, to his need for bonding, for creative activity, for knowledge, for self-consciousness and consciousness of his environment, as well as alien from his capacity to project himself into the future." (Species Being, Social Being and Class Consciousness).

More on Marx's theory of human nature, alienation, and commodification:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marx%27s_theory_of_human_nature

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marx%27s_theory_of_alienation

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commodity_fetishism

Social alienation runs deep throughout every facet of our society and who we are as a people and is described in-depth here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_alienation

                     Some of the Main Themes in Social Alienation are:

Powerlessness

"A person suffers from alienation in the form of 'powerlessness' when she is conscious of the gap between what she would like to do and what she feels capable of doing. Powerlessness, therefore, is the perception that the individual does not have the means to achieve his goals." (Wiki)

Meaninglessness

Not fully understanding the events one is engaged in. (wiki)

Normlessness

When there has been such a break down in society that there are no longer social norms regulating individual conduct or the social order is no longer effective as rules for behavior. (wiki)

Political alienation

Estrangement from, and a lack of engagement in, the political system. Workers experience a state of psychological disconnection from a policy. Relationships and connections that once existed, that is 'natural,' desirable, or good, has been lost. (wiki)

Social isolation

The feeling of being segregated from one’s community. With increased isolation and atomization, much of our daily interactions are with those who are strangers to us and with whom we lack any ongoing social relationships. (wiki)

Relationships

Having a lack of relationship/connection with ones parents or family. Not having a strong attachment-- the social and emotional process of bonding between child and caregiver. (wiki)

Self-estrangement

The psychological state of denying one’s own interests – of seeking out extrinsically satisfying, rather than intrinsically satisfying activities. It could be characterized as a feeling of having become a stranger to oneself, or to some parts of oneself, or alternatively as a problem of self-knowledge, or authenticity. (wiki)

One could see how alienation could be a large barrier to us attaining self-actualization seeing as the disconnect it causes us and impacts every facet of society.

Alienation also intersects with isolation. In addition, people isolate based on shame...and participate in negative coping skills in isolation and in shame based ways, such as binge eating alone or using substances alone.

So now that we understand some of the key elements of where we have gone wrong... how do we go right?

                                         How Do We Self-Actualize?

Once again to self-actualize would mean:

Making oneself realized.

Living up to your fullest potential and being the most you you can be.

Embracing yourself totally and completely.

Discovering and loving the real authentic you unconditionally.

Achieving the best of what you can be.

Striving to be self-fulfilled.

To become more of who you truly are.

In order to allow everyone the ability to self-actualize we are going to have to meet everyone's human needs-- basic and advanced.

You may think, but can't people just meet their own needs? Well, if they could don't you think they might have by now? Most people cannot meet all of their needs-- at least not on their own. We are mutually dependent and interdependent on each other. So that means we need to help others to get what they need in order to self-actualize.

This could include economic, political, cultural, and social aspects. Switching over to a democratic socialist system has long been my passion and solution for many of these things.

democratic socialism:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Democratic_socialism

                                      Fundamentally Changing Social Control

While focusing on an economic system is popular, and economic inequality one of the foremost barriers to self-actualization, I stress we must also take into consideration the social aspects, which I feel are often ignored.

When we work to transform society we have to look at how people are socialized from the very beginning of life. One of the main ways people are socialized is through social control.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_control

"The social values that are present in individuals are products of informal social control. It is exercised by a society without explicitly stating these rules and is expressed through customs, norms, and mores. Individuals are socialized whether consciously or subconsciously. During informal sanctions, ridicule or ostracism can cause a straying towards norms. The person internalizes these mores and norms. Traditional society uses mostly informal social control embedded in its customary culture relying on the socialization of its members.

Informal sanctions may include shame, ridicule, sarcasm, criticism and disapproval. In extreme cases sanctions may include social discrimination and exclusion. This implied social control usually has more effect on individuals because they become internalized and thus an aspect of personality. Informal sanctions check 'deviant' behavior." (wiki)

One of the main forms of social control is shame. We have to end the external and internal use of shame as a tool of control. These links describe what we need to dismantle:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame_society

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt_society

                        What It's Going To Take To Get Us Where We Need To Go:

We need to promote pro-social behaviors and to discourage anti-social behaviors.

"Prosocial behavior fosters positive traits that are beneficial for children and society. It may be motivated both by altruism and by self-interest, for reasons of immediate benefit or future reciprocity. " (Wiki)

"Encouraging prosocial behavior may also require decreasing or eliminating undesirable social behaviors." (Wiki)

"Feeling empathy towards the individual needing aid increases the likelihood that the aid will be given. This empathy is called 'empathetic concern' for the other individual, and is characterized by feelings of tenderness, compassion, and sympathy.

Agreeableness is thought to be the personality trait most associated with inherent prosocial motivation. Prosocial thoughts and feelings may be defined as a sense of responsibility for other individuals, and a higher likelihood of experiencing empathy ('other-oriented empathy') both affectively (emotionally) and cognitively. These prosocial thoughts and feelings correlate with dispositional empathy and dispositional agreeableness." (Wiki)

For more about pro-social behavior look here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosocial_behavior

Anti-social behavior on the other hand contrasts by being "behavior that lacks consideration for others and that may cause damage to society, whether intentionally or through negligence, as opposed to pro-social behavior, behavior that helps or benefits society." (Wiki).

It can include aggressive behavior, intimidation, bullying, verbal abuse, manipulation, and committing various crimes.

For more about anti-social behavior look here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-social_behaviour

In addition, we need to seek assertive communication over passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive types of communication. For a further explanation of what these are please look here:

http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/assertiveness.htm

Furthermore it helps to develop healthy boundaries:

"Those with healthy boundaries are firm but flexible. They give support and accept it. They respect their feelings, needs, opinions, and rights, and those of others, but are clear about their separateness. They are responsible for their own happiness and allow others to be responsible for their happiness. They are assertive and respectful of the rights of others to be assertive. They are able to negotiate and compromise, have empathy for others, are able to make mistakes without damaging their self-esteem, and have an internal sense of personal identity. They respect diversity. Those with healthy boundaries are comfortable with themselves, and make others comfortable around them.  They live in houses with fences and gates that  allow access only to those who respect their boundaries." (http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm)

                                            The Fully Functioning Person

Once we could reach a level of being able to achieve self-actualization we would have to push ourselves and our community beyond what we now think is possible. We need to become fully realized and fully functional as human beings.

According to psychologist Carl Rogers a fully functioning person is defined as having:

A growing openness to experience – they move away from defensiveness and have no need for subception (a perceptual defense that involves unconsciously applying strategies to prevent a troubling stimulus from entering consciousness).

An increasingly existential lifestyle – living each moment fully – not distorting the moment to fit personality or self concept but allowing personality and self concept to emanate from the experience. This results in excitement, daring, adaptability, tolerance, spontaneity, and a lack of rigidity and suggests a foundation of trust. "To open one's spirit to what is going on now, and discover in that present process whatever structure it appears to have.

Increasing organismic trust – they trust their own judgment and their ability to choose behavior that is appropriate for each moment. They do not rely on existing codes and social norms but trust that as they are open to experiences they will be able to trust their own sense of right and wrong.

Freedom of choice – not being shackled by the restrictions that influence an incongruent individual, they are able to make a wider range of choices more fluently. They believe that they play a role in determining their own behavior and so feel responsible for their own behavior.

Creativity – it follows that they will feel more free to be creative. They will also be more creative in the way they adapt to their own circumstances without feeling a need to conform.

Reliability and constructiveness – they can be trusted to act constructively. An individual who is open to all their needs will be able to maintain a balance between them. Even aggressive needs will be matched and balanced by intrinsic goodness in congruent individuals.

A rich full life – Rogers describes the life of the fully functioning individual as rich, full and exciting and suggests that they experience joy and pain, love and heartbreak, fear and courage more intensely. (wiki)

Rogers went on to say that the "process of the [consciously creating a] good life is not, he is convinced, a life for the faint-hearted. It involves the stretching and growing of becoming more and more of one's potentialities. It involves the courage to be. It means launching oneself fully into the stream of life. (Wiki)

How We Will Not Get There:

doing nothing

voting only

being cynical

being nihilistic

thinking it doesn't matter what we do

thinking too positively/negatively

going backwards

through force

through control/power/manipulation/coercion

top down/authoritarian

centralized

privatized

profit-based/motivated

focusing on individualism

What I feel We Need:

democratic socialism

radical participatory democracy

horizontal and non-hierarchical power structure

socialist feminist practice

dismantling the binary in all things (including gender) in favor of a more complex, fluid, and flexible conception.

sustainability

find out what truly motivates people and center social and working life around that.

put the means of productive into social and collective hands

break out of norms that are rigid and obsolete

dump externalized and internalized shame

sex positivity

paradigm shift

systematic, structural, and institutional transformation

create new dynamic communities

embrace pluralism

fully educate everyone in the mode of their choosing-- for free!

we can change the way things are through constructing a different reality consciously:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_constructionism

we need social change:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_change

through social movements:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_movement

embrace all emotions and express effectively and healthfully (assertively)

to strengthen our interpersonal relationships -- having authentic genuine relationships and connections with others.

dumping fakeness/superficiality

replace with realness.

                                         Vulnerability = Connection

In order to reach a place of vulnerability and connection we need to establish a society physically and emotionally safe enough to engage with each other and that does not shut us down and bring up our defenses. And once we can get there... individuals can get down to the process of self-actualization.

It will take a lot of collective work of our society, communities, and families to get there. I wanted to share with you every idea I have on this subject and yes, it has taken a long time to express it in all its glorious detail. However, if you took the time to read this I think you will learn a lot about human beings, the current society we live in, and how exactly we can move forward towards embracing our full humanity.

Yes, it will take a lot of work... to do what it is we need from bottom to top to transform this society into one that could fully support the realization of every human beings potential. But human beings are known for being industrious, resilient, and creative. So let us stop looking to the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy...and realize our collective strengths now to grow beyond our wildest dreams and imaginations. Together we can make it happen.